I had two parties to attend this weekend, but ended up getting a flu. It’ll be chicken soup and crappy reality TV for me.

My mental health has also started to decline again since last week. I’m not sure if it’s the deadly winter of the Nordics or just depression slowly creeping back in. In any case, I feel really scared. The world feels overwhelming and it seems, at times, that my efforts to come to grips with the new circumstances surrounding my life are futile.

I try to convince myself that I did the best I could, that the alternative solution would’ve most likely brought my early demise.

Still, it feels I did everything wrong. I feel I closed some doors that I did not mean to close. I reached the conclusion that the events that took place this year will most likely haunt me to my deathbed. I hope some day it stops hurting so much, though.

I look around and see some friends who have gone through similar situations and it all seems so easy to them. “Don’t compare yourself with others”, my therapist says incessantly every week. Sadly, I can’t help feeling weak in this situation. It’s been over 9 months, but still find myself crying every now and then before bed. I still find myself wishing I just wouldn’t wake up the next morning.

It’s not all bad though. I’m still being very consistent with the gym and I’m now doing pull ups like they were never a problem. I have also learned a few new songs in my acoustic guitar and it finally doesn’t sound like I’m killing a cat whenever I strum it.

Oh, I’ve also been reading The Dispossessed by Ursula Le Guin and I think that’s the first book that completely transports me to another world since the first Harry Potter. 😄

Take care everyone and sorry for the wall of text. o/