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Yeah, this is why I have small swap on my servers. I'd rather the process got killed by the oom killer and got restarted automatically instead of running very slowly and trashing the entire server when it uses too much memory.
Since my upgrade to 0.19 I really struggle to keep my servr online. It sounds like what is happening to me too. The whole server beco.en unesponsive after the load goes to 100. After I kicked NextCloud from the server in only kept happening every coupple of days. Let's see if this workaround helps to fix it. If not then I'll remove swap.
I have been running a cron script to automatically restart the lemmy backend, which in turn resets the postgres memory use ever since this problem started to happen months ago. For me 0.19.x actually made it less bad, but it is still an annoying issue.
Try limiting the database connection pool size too in
lemmy.hjson
. It helped a lot in my instance. I set mine to 30 in a small server with 8gb ram. You can set it to even lower value for lower postgres memory consumption.