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How do you deal with suicidal thoughts?
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There's lots of people out there that struggle with these same issues. You're not alone. The fact that you're reaching out here tells me that you know there is still more to do for you. Seems like you're not done, you're just stuck. I've been there, but I got out and that's definitely been worth the wait and the effort. There's no light without darkness. I feel like I couldn't appriciate life the way I do now, if I hadn't gone through all the shit.
Anyways, you should definitely reach out to a hotline in your country. They know what you're going through and they can help.