You say suicidal thoughts, which I believe you have, but you showed us your depressive thoughts. Some times, it's not intellectual, it's just one aspect of your biology you can't will away. You might need medicine, you'll definitely need to work on it without knowing if your efforts will get results.

I saw in another comment you talking about the things you love. Choose one and really set aside some time to enjoy it. Create a period of total selfishness. Do something practical.

Intellectually, to quiet the voices that are so negative and justify bad decisions, I suggest you question them, specially when they are absolute. For example, "there's no time to dedicate to what I love". Really? No time, zero? Is that the absolute truth? Try to be more truthful. Maybe the time you have is not enough (but again, really?), which doesn't mean zero time generally. Just being honest about your situation can help change perspectives and stop you believing the lies you tell yourself.

Do you enjoy watching videos? There are some professionals I regularly watch that usually help me see the directions I could go to improve myself. To tell the truth, I'm in a low right now and not being treated, but I wish I were.