It amazes me the amount of grognards that despise any interface that isn't a command line terminal. "I can do everything on the terminal!" - True, but that's because the UI sucks and lacks proper buttons, widgets and whatnot.

For me, it's not despising anything that is not the terminal but a simple preference for the terminal. Having started learning computers in a CLI and having worked professionally for over a decade mainly on the CLI, it's comfortable and familiar. I also like having scripting and regex capabilities built into my interface - a reason that I much prefer (neo)vim to VSCode and others.

Could I do nearly everything that I do in the terminal in a modern DE? Probably. I'm just not as familiar, so, it would take longer. Like writing in cursive for someone who rarely does anything but block letters.

That no linux distro comes with a "builtin" icon (available after an installation) or shortcut to "update all programs" or "update only security packages", or even an easy solution to auto update everything on the background, without having to type the command, really shows how little thought is given to user experience.

That's not very accurate. Every modern desktop distro that I've used has this, from *buntu to SteamOS. Linux Mint probably has one of the best UI experiences for updates that I've seen and I frequently use it for managing kernels as it's much simpler to do with that tool than any other that I've used.

All solutions recquiring a terminal automatically fail in regards to bringing people to linux.

This is one that is somewhat tricky. Linux tends to be more geared towards more technical users. Probably a lot of us chronic Linux users came to computing when it was more of a niche thing for nerds and knowing how to use a computer meant more than writing documents, editing spreadsheets, or playing games on Newgrounds. A fault that many Linux users and devs have is an antipathy or indifference towards non-technical users. I know that I'm frequently guilty of the latter. Many of us, perhaps short-sightedly, are not concerned or interested in growing the userbase of the OS, which makes efforts like SteamOS particularly great due to their enabling of non-technical users.

What distros don't come with that? I'm running Debian and I get a notification on the desktop when I have updates available and it takes two clicks from that point to get them installed.

Several distributions do that. Opensuse for one