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this post was submitted on 15 Apr 2024
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So I’m super involved in my local bdsm community and it’s probably my main hobby. There’s a lot less misogyny than people not in the community think and a lot more than many of the men of the community think.
A lot of guys take that dom/sub dynamic too far, as an extension of misogynist beliefs. Agreed re: your evaluation.
It's also pretty sad - you're in the most permissive time in history for this stuff, someone is giving you a gift that (carefully approached) can let you live out your deepest sexual desires to everyone's satisfaction,, and you're going to treat the person giving you that gift as actually lesser!? For fuck sakes man, not too long ago you'd be thrown in a psych ward for this shit.
That shit’s a problem for sure, but often the community weeds out dominant men who mistreat submissive women. That’s not to say we don’t have broken stairs and whatnot, I run a women’s group, it’s a problem for sure. But in my experience that aggressive of misogyny in such contexts is far more present in online spaces than reputable irl ones.
The area I see it most manifested is in the way dominant women are treated by men, both dominant and submissive. There are dominant men who love and respect submissive women but just struggle to treat dominant women as their equals. And on the flip side a lot of men who submit to women have a lot of hang ups about it and many treat them as sex objects.
There’s also still a problem with people assuming men are dominant (especially if they’re charismatic and/or handsome) and that women are submissive (especially if they’re small, shy, or feminine).
At least that’s what I’ve noticed as a woman who submits to women
Thanks for clarifying. I can't say I've personally seen that to any great degree, but to be fair my experience was more of a toe dip. I can certainly see that being the case.
Yeah there’s definitely a thing where a local community in a good state doesn’t have as much of it, (though it will often exist) but when things get disrupted more can seep through. It’s been on my mind lately as I’ve been befriending a Domme that’s very new to all of this and her experiences are really elucidating the patterns I’ve seen glimpses of, but thought were more of online problems.
I practice BDSM occasionally and i recently did a scene with someone. There were times where boundaries were accidentally crossed, but my reaction to that was an immediate "are you ok and do you need to stop". Luckily the person was very understanding and actually discovered some stuff they liked, but I simply cannot fathom trying to take advantage of someone who is giving you so much already. I didn't like nor enjoy that I had accidentally transgressed on boundaries, and am working to ensure that it doesn't happen again, but the priority is and should always be safety and comfort.
The good thing is, you're most people - looking for all parties to have fun within the boundaries of safety and participant comfort. Topping is a huge responsibility, and you had the correct reaction.
But just like in the everyday world, there are abusive people out there. Folks, particularly bottoms who are still fleshing out their boundaries, can be vulnerable to these people. My opinion is that situation can be made more complicated due to the taboo nature of the interaction and unique social norms that have a learning curve (ex: what happens if you're newer, someone starts spewing 'true dom/true sub' crap early on, and that sets your expectations for BDSM?).
Captain Lez is bang on when saying this is the value of a community for vetting and feedback re: what you're doing. But again, like in everyday life, people can ingratiate themselves into that community as a means of cover.
It really isn't all that different from abusive relationships in every other context, just with an additional layer of sensation and social norms that can cloud judgement/mask the abuse.
Will say OP made great points on misogyny in this world expressed in less aggressive ways, and heck, even this conversation underscores it. People like you and me jump right to guys in a dom role disregarding the boundaries of women in a sub role, for reasons of hating women. We're not those people, most of the people we meet in this context aren't those people, and the few we become aware of are usually blacklisted pretty quick, so we think misogyny is not a major problem in the community. The stated dynamics between some Doms and Dommes, and male bottoms to their Dommes, challenges that. I may not have come across it simply because I am a guy who doesn't feel that way, my community is very much female-led, and everyone I met was pretty respectful/darned greatful a community existed at all, but I can definitely see it being a thing.
Thank you for your kind words. I get a lil scared domming sometimes because as a victim of sexual assault, i would never want to out someone through that. I'm glad the community seems to be doing better than the majority of society.
I find this one especially egregious because as a fellow practitioner, my first priority is safety, safety, safety. i hate to see the bigotry and lack or respect