Met this guy online on Reddit three years ago, a few days after I was going through hell physically, a doctor called me and said I'd have to live the rest of my life not knowing what's wrong, and I wanted to end it all. He messaged me first after I made a post on Reddit saying my type is obese nerds. (A few hours after that phone call with the doctor and me breaking down, my mom took me shopping, to try and take my mind off of it, on the way there, I said to my mom "I feel like I need to get a boyfriend").

He seemed really into me and was a little horny. Basically stuff you'd expect from a lonely stereotypical nerd who is socially awkward. When he showed pictures of himself he was literally my dream guy. Horn rimmed glasses that look like movie theater glasses, a soft, cleanshaven face with cute dimples and a double chin, thick black hair neatly combed to the side, a snubby nose, unusually long eyelashes and large, shiny black eyes and gorgeous chubby cheeks making him almost resemble a cherub. He sent me about 4 pictures that included his body, and he is enormous (5"11 and 350 lbs). His arms are so thick and he sent me pictures he took of himself where his arms were outstretched as if to hug me, and he sent me photos of himself posed in a way he was throwing me over his shoulder and carrying me, and he told me to imagine myself on his shoulder.

I later looked at his profile, and a few days before he messaged me (his message was literally "hi I'm an obese nerd") he made a post saying he wanted to crawl into a hole and give up because every woman he loved abused him and he wouldn't mind if he died.

Everything about his appearance was something I found attractive and I'm very specific. I'm not attracted to any other type of guy. He kept messaging me all day every day, complimenting my pictures, music tracks I'd made, and voice chatting. He'd show me his collection of Marvel figurines and comic books that he was very proud of. He's in University studying Physics. He had a lisp whenever he talked, it was an unusual lisp where he kind of slurs his l's and s's. He's showed pictures of his house, his car, workplace, etc. but.... if I search him on nuwber I can't find any matches. I've tried several other sites too. I was able to find my old friend on nuwber and all other sites, but not him. I'm physically healthy now and he doesn't seem to be as interested in me before as he used to be but he says he's been busy with work lately. Part of me wonders if I made him up as some kind of coping mechanism and he isn't talking to me as much now because I made him up and I don't need coping methods anymore since I'm cured.

Keep having weird dreams where all of a sudden I can't find him and I search and search the internet but it turns out he doesn't exist and I'm insane. Or I'll find out all the pics he sent me, were actually just me using an ai and forcing myself to forget I did. I find people with his name, but none of them are him. Every day I half expect that when I log in to my messaging app he won't be on my friends list because my brain would've let him go.

I even looked his name up on Ancestry with his birth year, and there were only two people alive born in his year and they had fb profiles and weren't him. All the others were dead people. But if it wasn't for this guy messaging me when I was going through hell back then, I don't know if I'd be here now.