Brother, have I got a solution for you!

Brother laser printers, higher upfront cost but I don't think I'll ever need another. I don't print frequently so inkjet carts dry up, toner doesn't have that issue, toner also lasts longer, whenever I have to replace it I'm pretty sure they have 3rd party carts, and they don't do any subscription bullshit or planned obsolescence so far that I've seen. Easy to set up on linux through CUPS and the official brother .rpm or .deb drivers. Cannot recommend them enough as someone who also hates all other printers.

My HP laserjet 1320n is over 20 years old. Every 6-8 months I have something to print and it does it like a champ. I can even print to it from my phone. Idk the last time I put toner on it.

With as cheap as pen plotters have gotten, I'm surprised no one has come up with a reasonably small printer looking one for normal sized paper that functions like an actual printer. the ones you can get need special plugins and vector graphics to plot. There used to be many models several decades ago, and they can still be found and modified to use normal pens, but that's kind of a driver nightmare. I feel like we're past the point where people need to be able to print many pages relatively quickly, and I'd rather have a printer that took a while to print but I knew that it would work every single time.