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DOJ wraps up ad tech trial: Google is “three times” a monopolist
(arstechnica.com)
Slowly but deliberately, Google's deeply southern lawyer rises to his feet, stopping only a moment to adjust his crisp white suit and bolo tie.
"Now, your honor, I'm just a simple country lawyer, and I don't know much about math-ematics or the like, but if my momma taught me anything, it's that three is greater than one. In fact, your honor, I do believe that three times one is in fact itself the equal to the number three. And if, as the plaintiff claims, my client is 'three times' a monopolist - and that's from the Greek now, 'monos', meaning, well, 'one', you honor - Why, my trusty slide rule here is tellin' me that's a little something we call a triopolist."
The jury gasps.
"Now, is my client a triopolist? We-hell, guilty as charged, your honor, except... That's not rightly the charge, is it? By their own admission, I might add, the plaintiff has levelled charges against my client they know to be false and have admitted as much here today, wasting not only my client's time, but the time of this court! Now, you show me where in them fancy law books it says no company shall hold triopoly on the free market, and I'll be right back here in my sundee best marchin' on off to the hoosegow, but until then... Ladies and gentlemen of the jury! If the laws o' God and man still say one plus one plus one equals three, you must acquit! The defense rests."
Of course, by this point Google's CEO has already handed the judge a check for sixty million dollars and flown away in an unmarked helicopter, but you've got to admire his commitment.