"Have you used driver doctor to update your drivers? Do this first and tell us if problem is fixed."

Looked up how to "close tabs to left" on Edge* since there's a button for right but not left. Click MS help link, the dude legitimately recommended moving all the tabs backwards then closing to right.
He also said you could do control click on them and "close selected tabs" which worked... decently. Still mad there's not a button for closing tabs to left though.

* this was on my education laptop where I can't use Firefox and Chrome doesn't save cookies so id have to log into everything every single time for 'safety'

I wrote about it on my other account a year ago: https://lemmy.world/comment/5005611

Hi, Micro$oft Community Advisor Alicia here!

I’m sorry to hear that your software occasionally crashes. Trying some of these steps may help you:

• Go to Windows Update and search for the latest drivers
• Run ‘sfc /scannow’ in command prompt
• Reinstall Windows

Please mark my post as “Answer” if this helped you solve your problem! Thank you!

It's just easier to throw it out and steal another

Yup, spot on.

What wasn’t included is that neither of the suggestions actually do anything, of course

It is acceptable if it just used to lay a strong foundation for the work towards a solution. Instead you will probably get another such answer if you come back after doing it and then total silence while you keeping refreshing.

I scroll to the bottom. If there's "was this helpful" 99% of the time it isn't.