Toeknife

Drywall patching spade that is a stain scraper.

Many years ago, I lived with two slobs. They often left dried food on the counters, floors, and other flat surfaces (like the stove top or floor of the oven). In addition, one of them fed their dog with human food that gave it the shits, and was not attentive towards talking the dog out to poop. So the floor would have clay-like puddles of drying dog diarrhea. This scraper was used to deal with the dollop of whatever organic matter was dried onto the counter, floor, or otherwise. Then washed in the next dishwasher cycle.

"But you'll scratch the [surface material]!!!"

I don't care. My house, my problem. Clean up after yourself, for fucks sake. Plus, I was always wiping down the counter with cleansers, so any cross contamination was not a concern. I am a voracious cleaner.

Those slobs have left, the dog passed away, and the dogs my wife and I have now are mostly housebroken and don't have diarrhea. The scraper only rarely gets used these days. When she moved it, I had to explain to her what it was, though.

We have a felony stick...I'd tell you what it's for, but for obvious reasons.... 🤫

I have a fetch ladle and a coal spoon. My dog lives for fetch but always sets the ball next to my feet. If I'm sitting on the back porch I don't want to keep bending forward so I have a ladle that's perfect for scooping up a tennis ball and throwing it. I also have a slotted spoon that I use to grab unburnt coal out of my grill before dumping the ashes. Both of these utensils just hang from my grill.

Pellet pole for my pellet smoker. It's a 4ft long reflective marker (for marking edge of driveway when it snows) that I use to push the wood pellets to the middle of the pellet storage hopper towards the auger at the bottom.

We had an "automobile hairdryer." On school mornings after I took a shower and was being driven to school, I would lean my head up towards the dashboard and have the A/C blowing full blast to finish drying my hair. I would do this every morning in elementary school. Probably not very safe now that I think back on it.

We have the expression "look to the freshness of the shit you eat" in our native tongue. Its used to express disbelief at a situation. As far as I know, only our family has it.

In my kitchen I have a drawer full of salt next to the gas. Pretty convenient! It's also divided in 2 sections with coarse and fine salt.

I have a few of these.

Most fitting of these is a tabo. No need for a bidet when water just needs motion. The last time a stranger saw it, they were a child who I had to stop from drinking from it.

A Wii U. The most underrated console of all time because it was only successful enough to make a dozen games on it, yet here I am using it everyday. Hijackers never gonna seize a Wii U.

A hammock. People will always ask me why I have one just lying around in the home, but the truth is at times it's more comfortable than a bed.

A garage. You might be thinking "that's not so bad", that is, until you learn I don't drive (or rather I took lessons but was like nope) and wouldn't put a vehicle in there anyways (add to that I witnessed a house catch on fire because a car caught fire because of badly mass produced batteries). It's mostly for other peoples' vehicles, but it's only been used for a handful of nights. For the majority of the time, it's for storage, especially as it has a second attic.

The biggest poop knife equivalent of all though? A Lemmy account. People discover my Lemmy account from DeviantArt (when they finally decide to look up the username) and they ask "what do you do on there when you got Reddit too". And to them I say this. But seriously, one does not hold the world record for the most websites having signed up for (provable but it takes a long time) and not expand one's horizons.

Christmas Tree knife