Totoro & Mr Lemur wish to send squishies to everybody who needs them today
this post was submitted on 14 Jan 2025
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Melbourne
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Our two tier health care system is doing my head in right now.
No private, means I could wait up to two years for a small procedure.
Getting private now, means I'm waiting 12 months before my coverage kicks in.
Going private without insurance could costs me upwards of 10k (which we don't have).
Some days I hate what's become of this country.
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Diet is dieting, many of my clothes don't fit any more, pants are way too big, but I still have some old stuff that I am too big for and that doesn't fit yet
i might do this diet another 6 months and see how i go ๐
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anxious brain was REALLY not wanting to get on the train this morning. The amount of bullshit flooding my brain was insane "I'm gonna puke!" no your not. "I'm gonna pass out!" Good, then we might get some rest. "we could go back home to bed!" but you'll just lay there play with your phone and you wont feel any better for it. Tried to sort of be curious about it and give it the space it needed to unwind, but by the time I hit the halfway point it disappeared anyway. Classic.
That was me yesterday. Anxiety can get in the bin. Glad you got out of it
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pet illness
Geoffrey here (yep that's his name) is my aunt's dog who's going to be 8 this year. My aunt lived with us for some of his life, so my family developed a close bond with him. When my aunt lived with us, G would get really excited when we came home and sprint to us.
Lately, he hasn't been his usual self. We thought it was just old-ish age and he was mellowing out. But today, my aunt found a lump under his armpit, and now the vet are testing it to see if it's the big C.
Hoping it's nothing.
It's a big Bolognese day for me today, lots of sauce to hand pour into jars ๐ซ๐ซ๐ซ๐ซ๐ซ๐ซ๐ซ๐ซ๐ซ๐ซ๐ซ๐ซ๐ซ๐ซ๐ซ๐ซ๐ซ๐ซ๐ซ๐ซ๐ซ๐ซ๐ซ๐ซ๐ซ๐ซ๐ซ๐ซ๐ซ๐
My partner has taken the kids camping for a few days, solo parenting. She has ADHD so she decided to take a vyvanse to help her focus for the camp setup. The photos coming through are like the ones you see at camping trade shows... Camper canvas is perfectly tight, awning is perfectly set, guy ropes same length and equidistant.... So funny
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Flat clean. Lovely coffee meetup with a friend.
Todayโs off to a good start
Resisting the urge to send so many Please Explain messages. Somebody staple my phone shut?
Update: vendor conveyancer has been fired! Regrettably not literally out of a trebuchet. Alas.
You want some lead time between dismissal and trebuchet anyway. Gives you plausible deniability
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Tonight's wave
Wasn't going to go but glad I did. Not a soul on that beach.
Every queen has her throne
So far this new manager is awesome! But let's see how things play out when i ask for a contract renegotiation.
He said "this week is a write off". Sounds good to me buddy!
whole month more like.
Works for me man. The guitars and PS5 aren't going to play themselves lol
I got the anxiety today fuck. Heart beating like drum, a sinking feeling in my gut as if something awful is coming, my brain won't shut up.
tw cptsd and trauma, very long personal rant
I think that article yesterday really fucked me up. Putting aside my sentimentality of the books I have, and how I feel about him, I think I've just been so very triggered. I have too many memories to pull from, from childhood to late-20s, like my brain can't pick which memory to torture me with so it's just sending them all to the front.
And with it all, is the self-blame; as if I deserved it all. That I wasn't a good enough daughter, or girlfriend, and that I deserved the abuse. Which I know is ridiculous, I would never ever think that of someone else's trauma, but I beat myself up for my own trauma. Which doesn't help anyone or anything. Why should I continue to perpetuate the abuse against myself? I don't deserve it. But it's been so hardwired in my neurons that I do deserve it, by my abusers, that undoing those pathways is exhausting. It's somehow easier to let myself down, than to pull myself through it.
I keep thinking about my mum telling me I'm just like my father, that I'm a terrible daughter and friend (which is gross, she was my mum but she treated me like her trauma therapist). My ex telling me that if I wasn't such a terrible person then they wouldn't have to hurt me to teach me.
And I can recognise how wild and foul that all is. I can see it, but somehow I haven't been able to internalise that it isn't my fault, I didn't ask for or want any of that. I needed help.
And it all comes back to how disconnected I am from dad and that side of the family. How I feel like a failure, a black sheep who can't seem to get it together. My mother preferred my cousin (mum's brother's daughter), because she believed in that woo woo stuff. How dad seemed to have a close father-daughter relationship with his sisters daughter. And I'm just the only child left to rot. But I also know that no one can save me but myself. I just wish I had a family member I could talk to about this, that would hug me and tell me it's okay, that I'm loved and worth it. But Dad said that to my cousin, mum said that to her niece.
Who do I belong to? Where is my family? I just want my dad to tell me he loves me.
And maybe it's up to me to open that line of communication to him, but I also want him to reach out to me and ask me to talk to him. I want to feel like a daughter who's father loves her. That I'm not a failure to him. So much of that has to do with mum driving us apart due to her own unresolved trauma, but he's my dad and I want him to ask me to open up to him. And don't get me wrong, dad has helped me financially since I left my ex, but I don't want that to be the foundation of our relationship. Money can drive a family apart. I want to feel loved.
I'm an only child, and went through it all alone. What do my cousins have that I don't? Why do I feel so left out and left behind?
What have I done so wrong?
๐๐๐
That's a lot to carry. And it can be really hard to give yourself the kind of grace and gentleness you give others.
Maybe a walk would help slow things down?
YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON.
YOU ARE AN INTELLIGENT PERSON.
You ARE A TALENTED PERSON.
YOU ARE NOT WRONG.
that is what you have done wrong
everything they have told you is the opposite of reality
hugs, you are with people who know and love you now. ๐๐๐
Sending you loads of love and kindness. Iโm glad you can recognise what your brain is doing, but brains are bloody hard things to reprogram. I hope you can take some time for yourself and do something kind for yourself that will bring you a little bit of peace and joy. You are very loved by this lovely little corner of the internet!
๐งธ
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Time to find a new doctor. She refuses to give repeats and now won't take any calls. My script runs out Friday.
Yay.
This is degusting behaviour, and directly puts your health at risk. I am personally petty enough to make a complaint if it happened to me.
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Changing jobs is so weird. I was at once place and got to know the people there, and now I'm just somewhere else. I know it's not possible but I'd like to still go to work where I was but do the job I'm in now.
After the revolution, the few people who have bullshit email jobs can go work at a local coworking space and if you change job you still go to the same place to work, that way you can still be with the people you enjoy being around, and changing job isn't some massive uprooting of your daily life to just sit at a different computer
Nice rain, good for an early night (if I can wrangle it; more melatonin incoming). Had TWO! coffees but still zombie mode all day.
All day in the field tomoz which is good while it's cool. Might get some blood circulating.
Today's challenge is not looking at the phone while going to sleep and maybe continuing this ebook I'm reading (The Wind Knows My Name) instead.
Super pumped for Severence s2 premiering on Friday. I might binge watch S1 on the weekend first as it's been so long and there are so many detail
E: sudden and inconvenient craving for real tempeh. With kecap manis and kang kung on the side. Might be time to visit Laguna on the weekend
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Channel 9 are pissing me off on so many fronts. For one, do they realise that just because it's called the Australian Open doesn't mean that they can only televise Australians? They're showing Tomljanovic on two channels ffs.
And then there's the relentless advertising for the horrific-looking Married At First Sight, I'm ready to sanction torture for anyone involved in the conception and production of that show.
I like tennis but I might just give up and read a book.
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Errand day tomorrow. If things go right, I may finally have more than 1 knife by tomorrow evening!
Obligatory fuck the government for just deciding that everyone under the age of 18 has no reason to want a knife except murdering people at train stations. Stupid rich arseholes
Edit: editors note: Baku means today, not tomorrow
If you want a prep knife, hie thee to the nearest asian supermarket.
You will get a janky wood handled knife that looks shitty af but will be the best knife you've ever owned and it will be like $3
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I have interneted the vendor's problematic conveyancer. First to guess their haircut wins a virtual lollipop.
Lionel Hutz hair cut
Simon Townsend has died aged 79
Annnnd theres a trespasser at dandenong. Poor pakey/cranbourne cant catch a break. I'm going to complain to my member of parliament. Hey! Gus! I got something to report to ya!
how fuckin hard is it to put up a fence?!
I just think trains shouldn't stop or slow down. Hose off the cartilage and viscera at night and she'll be right.
People should not be delayed and inconvenienced because of fuckwits.
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I donโt think I can finish this bottle of QV wash.
Maybe it seems a bit picky but my skin is genuinely raw and irritated even just using it on my body. And the QV moisturiser makes my face burn. What is going on? What did they put in this stuff?
My skin never usually hurts like this.
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First day back in the office. Boo lol
Have to go visit a client later today, will be coming back home to finish my day afterwards.
First day properly back at work, between arriving late last night and 3hr time difference and having had my brain completely switched off, I need about 50 coffees today...
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โก๏ธ
today is a stuck brain kind of day
I think I will go for a bit of a walk
Accidentally left a plate out with some leftover hawt sauce on it last night. Ants ate it. I had no idea ants like chilli. They were walking around slowly in circles looking a bit confused. So had to internets it: They do eat chilli but it makes them confused because it masks their scent trail lol.
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and good night everyone, sweet dreams ๐๐๐
Beep Beep ๐
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๐ฅ๐ฅฌ๐ฅ๐ฝ๐ฅ๐ฅ๐ ๐ซ๐ฅ๐ง
๐ฅฏ๐๐ฅ๐ฅจ๐ง๐ง๐ฅ๐ง๐ณ๐ฅ๐ฅ๐ฅฉ๐๐๐ซ๐๐๐๐ญ๐ฅ๐ง๐ฎ๐ฏ๐ฅ๐ฒ๐๐๐ฅ๐๐ฃ๐ฑ๐ฅ๐ฆช๐ฅ๐๐๐๐ ๐ค๐ชผ๐ฆ๐ ๐๐ฅฎ๐ข๐ก๐ง๐ฐ๐ง๐ฅง๐ฆ๐จ๐๐ฎ๐ญ๐ฌ๐ซ๐ฅ๐ฐ๐ช๐ฟ๐ฏ๐ฅโ๏ธ๐ต๐บ๐ถ๐ฅค๐ง๐ง๐ฅ๐ท๐ฅ๐ธ๐น๐ง๐
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