I don't know if it's the most valuable or even has any value at all, but it's amazing to actually experience how two kids raised in the same family with the same morals and values, the same guidelines and opportunities, and yet they turn out so dramatically different. One kind and thoughtful, the other self-absorbed and greedy. One who acknowledges their privilege, the other who takes it all for granted.
this post was submitted on 09 Apr 2025
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That it isn't different when they are your own... I really don't like young children (like under 3/4 or so.) Thankfully I actually do like them as they age but fuck me are young children the absolute worst (for me).
Are you my mother? I asked her once, after I had kids, "I don't remember you being nice or, like, I dunno, cuddly?"
"I don't like kids"
"But you had so many!"
"Well I like you all NOW, I knew you would grow up."
Haha for real, I have seen that a lot and fought not to be that person the second I noticed I wasn't good at this and it wouldn't be different.
I went out of my way to have a pretty rough time where I was basically burned out for a couple of years so my kid would always be met with safety and love. But it nearly killed me and is exactly why I only have one.
Those years are too formative to be fucking around with "I'll just damage you for my own selfish desires."
Even still I live with guilt most days worrying about the damage I do not really being wired for this. I wish I'd had better self awareness before I got into it all.
I feel like she did the best she could. We weren't close but I don't feel traumatized by it, and I enjoyed having kids. When she died, the priest was asking my sister for some adjectives to describe my mom for the eulogy and suggested "nurturing" and my sister laughed and said no, not really. And she WAS close with mom, it wasn't an insult just an observation. We weren't neglected, certainly not by the standards of the time. And I was so close with my dad, and he died when I was a teenager so I'm glad I got that time with him.
The ex of my husband loved babies, little kids, was a cuddly sort of mom to babies but was an abusive nightmare of a mother to the older kids, like they don't even talk to her now. He said she loved them only as long as they couldn't talk back or be their own person - I think that's so very much worse.
Some say "your mind clicks in a different way once you have kids". like in a 'you see things and life from a different perspective' way
What would you say to that, is that part still true for you?
So take everything I say as a sample size of 1. I am autistic and have CPTSD from childhood neglect.
Yeah it's true. But to me it's not a good thing. It's that your standards go to shit! I've said my whole life that parents don't seem happier with kids they seem so utterly broken that they are able to celebrate really basic things.
You become thankful for the small things because the big things are gone. You choose to love X because Y is not an option any more etc.
There are chemical processes that make you all lovey dovey for your kid for sure, but to be honest... Definitely not enough. I remember in the first year thinking how did we survive evolutionarily? I would def without a solid moral compass have left this thing in a cave and walked away so many times! 😂
In short, before I had kids I could do what I want, when I wanted, I had friends, I saw my family, I had more money, I could spend time on personal development, I could take a couple of hours to breathe and reset my nervous system if needed, etc. For years those things stop existing and they mostly will not be the same again for at least a decade or so... Even then I don't know. It's genuinely a horrific decision in so many ways.
To be honest I’m not entirely sure the whole "your mind clicks a different way" isn't just a trauma response 😅
Anyways, I know I’m an outlier. But it's hard for me to really believe folks that speak SO positively of it... I just don't see it in their lives, they also look like they have given up so much for so little.
I really hate how much I agree.
That getting dirty and making a mess can be a lot of fun.
That I am so glad that I didn't have them.
I literally wouldn't have been able to afford giving them a good upbringing.
I am also in my forties and still deeply fucked up emotionally from my parents and from US society in general. I would have been a bad parent.
That 30 seconds of fun cost me a lot of money over the last 20 years