Transfem

Bigotry. They have small egos and need to flex against others to feel important.

If someone misgenders me, I just laugh it off, especially if it's intentional (I sometimes give them a bow and "namaste"). I came this far to get where I am, I'm certainly not going to let what others say get under my skin.

"Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner." -Lao Tzu

Also, stay off of social media if you care about your mental health, especially Tiktok. It's brainrot and not worth your energy.

Lily Tino generates rage bait for a living, and it's not surprising that other people are going to target her for being a toxic member of the community.

Respectability politics is a common dynamic in gay and queer politics - many people don't want to be associated with the extreme fringes that get highlighted in the popular culture, and they try to emphasize how much they're actually just like other, normal straight and cis people.

Respectability politics often leads people to gatekeep identities, e.g. binary trans people who medically transition trying to distance themselves from less understandable or acceptable identities like being non-binary.

So I think this might be the underlying mentality that motivates transmedicalists to gatekeep trans identity, and as to why people are trying to strip Lily Tino of her validity as a trans woman.

Because Lily Tino generates content intended to generate anger and hatred which then draws hatred and resentment against trans people generally, there is a desire from others to create distance and separation from her - a desperation by other trans people to not be associated with Lily Tino, and the way they do this is to strip her of her status as a member of the community.

This gatekeeping is rationalized or justified in various ways - it's not uncommon for transmedicalists or gatekeepers to point out the ways the "bad" person doesn't put enough effort into passing to call into question the authenticity of their identity.

The trans woman and right-wing Youtube influencer Blaire White did this to other trans Youtube content creators who were transfem and not as gender-conformist or passing as she was. She refused to use the correct pronouns, and cited their gender presentation as a reason for not respecting their identity and pronouns.

So the same justifications are being used with Lily Tino to strip her of her trans status.

This goes against the larger trans community's fundamental rule of respecting self-identity. This is basically a wedge issue in the trans community, with some of us believe respecting self identity is a fundamental moral principle, while others are more willing to express skepticism about identities they don't understand or don't like and wish to not be associated with.

This tension is partially because trans activism as a movement forms a big tent that holds alliances across very different groups - a non-binary person, a medically transitioned binary trans person, a drag queen, and a cross-dresser are all people under the trans umbrella but who have different needs and experiences.

Sometimes people don't feel seen or understood when an umbrella term encompasses so many disparate groups, and so it's not surprising when people desire better representation for their particular group or seek different alliances. There are some transmedicalists who believe trans people (which for them is a particular way of being trans, generally having extreme dysphoria and socially & medically transitioning to a binary identity) don't have that much in common with the rest of the LGBT+ community, and should essentially stop being associated with being queer or gay and form their own identity.

This desire to break from the LGBT+ alliance is another form of respectability politics, for some trans people queerness is not a part of their identity, especially if they medically transitioned and managed to re-integrate into cis-normative society as their target gender. They might live as a cis-passing straight person and think of their transness as an incidental medical fact about them rather than a major political identity, and for them queerness is a liability and not something they want to associate with, esp. if they have primarily straight, cis friends. Blaire White married a straight, cis man - she lives her life as a cis-passing woman, and it's not surprising then that from her position she can think of herself as not queer. She likely doesn't have queer friends and doesn't see herself as a part of that "community", which then makes it easier for her to not see the reasons for solidarity and alliance with other queers, and socially that alliance can look like a liability rather than a strength.

All this to say, Lily Tino deserves to be censured for being toxic and intentionally generating so much hatred against the trans community, but dehumanizing her by misgendering her is unacceptable and unnecessary to achieve the goal of condemning her.

I feel the same way about anti-trans activist and detransitioner Chloe Cole, refusing to respect her pronouns and identity as a detransitioner is probably tempting for some trans folks, but it goes against the principle of respecting self-identity thus against everything the trans community has been fighting for.

Why the fuck are people trying to justify misgendering trans women?

Transphobia. It's really that simple.

I mean, I’m completely down to misgendering or dehumanizing transphobes who do it first.

But that kind of situation aside, and cases where people do it without malicious intent (you example can also be because they think they misgendered you at first and are now trying wrongly trying to correct themselves) because they just genuinely guessed wrong aside, it’s almost always transphobia.

Now there is one other case that is a bit special: Intentional misgendering of people independent of their trans status: This can for example happen in pep talk in sports, if a couch refers to the members of the boy’s team as “girls” or when someone ironically refers to a group of men as “ladies”. This is not generally speaking transphobic, but it can be potentially be sexist.

To give an example: At the start of my previous job (before covid and before I transitioned), I was talking with my boss about alcohol and that I prefer cocktails. Apparently the same holds for her boyfriend and she refered to us as “the girls” over this. Nowadays when I tell that story, I like to joke that “if [her boyfriend] wants to have a private conversation with me, I’m definitely available for that”.

I think the prime example is lily orchard. One of the most reprehencible people I have the displeasure of knowing about but she's still a woman. I'm not going to start calling people I don't like the wrong pronouns because then it means that they are something that you have to earn. and no one should have to prove they deserve to be treated as they are even if they are a terrible person.