Parenting

I think everyone has their own age group that they bond with the most. For me, I LOVE little puddle babies, so I had kind of an easy go of it. Changing the diaper and bottle feeding? Sick. Naps and tummy time? Fuckin sold. C'mere, kid, we're going to chill and play vidya. I think the best advice I can offer is that you'll generally find more of what you seek-- go fishing with magnets, don't be surprised to get metal instead of fish, etc. Try to make the best of it whenever you can, try to find the joy in it wherever possible, and try to play. Kids, even babies, will surprise you with the ways they can find to play, if you give them the chance.

As for the state of the world, my kids have motivated me to get into local politics to try and leave them a better world than what I inherited. And if all else fails, well, one can always re-evaluate their political strategy once their dependents are less dependent.

As a fellow dad, the shit is hard. Very much social media make it hard, but there is a general misnomer that having kids is a bundle of joy. It's f'n hard, and no one tells you that. The first is especially hard as you have no reference. Like you when my children were born i did not have an immediate attachment. In fact it felt like a new responsibility/task. And like you i just went through the motions - to survive. But over time "bonding moments" will occur and the power of those moments, over time, will be more than you can imagine. And it may not be the big things like walking or talking but some little thing like him catching a fish, singing one of your songs with you or unintentionally using one of your phrases or mannerisms. Your story has some similarities to mine so a couple suggestions.

• if the baby isn't latching or feeding "normally" encourage your wife not to fight it. The idea that only breast feeding creates this unbreakable bond is horse shit. It's the dynamic you have over the next 25 years that matters. Pump, bottle feed, and take care of yourselves. Like others have said, and its the absolute truth, you have to take care of yourself to be able to take care of him. There is a great book that all parents should read called "Kids Are Assholes", and infants are no different. Your son may be an asshole when it comes to feeding/eating. But he may be awesome in telling his mom he loves her every night.
• Mom's mental health is very important and very complicated. The chemical cocktail her body has been and is providing her is a real "doozy". Provide as much emotional support you can (without sapping yourself) and continue to encourage counseling. These people are experienced in this situation (its your first time through it) and they guide and listen.
• If there is one thing that I hope sticks with you and wish I had done for myself was to talk with a counselor. It is unbelievably helpful to have someone to get stuff off your chest. It's not your broken or can't handle it - its simply having someone to vent to and likely providing you some feedback / perspective that actually makes you feel better about the situation.

Parenting is f'n hard. But there are some rewards along the way that are irreplicable and make your life more fulfilling than it would be otherwise.

I'll tell you the part you don't want to hear: You compromised with your wife. Compromises suck. But they are better than no compromises. Having a child is the ultimate commitment.

Here's the good news: the hardest part is behind you. Tough it out for a bit more. Everyday will get just a bit easier. New borns are not very interactive, so it's kinda normal to not enjoy this part. Maybe you'll get more out of it when the child starts smiling at you, or talking to you, or taking an interest in your hobby. Maybe not.

Also, you could be suffering from baby blues. It's common, even at three weeks. Consider some support for yourself, not just your wife.

For me it did get better but that thought (that I was never fully on board) may always be in the back of your mind.

We have 2. I was mostly up for it the first time but still had a lot of time in the first few months (for both kids) where, if I were typing my experience out, I also would have had to reassure people I was not violent. Very shortly after our second was born I got a vasectomy, which gave me some peace of mind.

The first 3 months were really rough for me, and then the next 3 were a little easier, and after 6 months they become humans and are a bit more interesting. Around a year when they start walking, and especially when they start talking a bit later it can be a lot of fun. But not all of it; there will still be incredibly frustrating moments where you’ll wonder why you got into it at all (which is obviously true of nearly anything).

So it does get better, especially once they get beyond the potato stage, and right now you just have to keep them - and yourself - alive (which isn’t too difficult, thankfully).

I didn't want kids. Shit happened. It took about 18 months for me to feel anything for my kid. Those 18 months were a war against sleep deprivation and time deprivation. The wife left a year or two later. Left my kid with me. Single dad shit for the next, well, going on 25 years now. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. I'm still sick with guilt bringing a kid into this fucked up world, but I love my kid.

This doesn't help you, but I also got a vasectomy about 6 months after he was born. I should have done it earlier. My advice to anyone is, don't have fucking kids. Get a vasectomy ASAP and live your life. Unless you come from big time old money, or get incredibly lucky, kids just add incredible stress and money drain for a minimum of a couple of decades.

I felt so bad when my first was born. I felt similar, the immediate jolt of love and connection wasn't exactly there. I was tired, practically starving myself, we could barely afford ourselves at the time let alone all the baby stuff. I started a new job about a week after he was born, working from home which meant I could take care of everyone but didn't really get to enjoy any of it. When my wife went back to work we would spend entire weekends together just us, from morning to night, he would scream, and I would cry.

3 years later that same baby, I'd rip my fucking skin off with rusty pliers if there was a chance of keeping him safe. He's my best friend, we spend all day together and I love him more than I ever thought I could love anything.

My second is 3 months old, but now I know. That immediate connection wasn't there but it's slowly growing. I fell like because I'm not worried about its been so much easier. I trucked through that rough patch and now he'll let me put him down without too much of a fight.

Just give it time and hopefully you'll get to feel that overwhelming love, it's worth it. Although I know a few people who got stuck on the lack of connection initially and never got over it, it's really sad.

Just keep at it, nothing your saying sounds too out of place to me. Keep an open line of communication with your partner. Tell her you're struggling while acknowledging you see her struggles too. Don't forget you're in it together, it's not a competition.

Good luck

No, babies suck the first year.

I have a 7 year old and can tell you your feelings are justified and not entirely unique. Father's have issues bonding and it takes time, at 3 weeks all the thing does is shit, eat, and sleep. Good on you for helping your wife with her post pardum and she continue to seek help with that. If it all begins to feel overwhelming, you should seek help too because men can also have post pardum, especially if the resentment builds and you begin having negative thoughts about neglecting the child.

All in all, the only thing I can really recommend is that you trudge through, lean on your wife a little more, she can probably take it, especially if you open up to her about your struggles. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture for a reason, but kids to begin to sleep better and have more of an emotional connection in the 3-6 month range.

Good luck.

I'm a parent to a lot of kids and the only thing I'll say that hasn't been said already is that my experience is that you bottom out around 8 weeks in from exhaustion and broken sleep, then it's a slow uphill move from there as baby's sleep routines start to settle in and you find your own groove.

Don't worry about the bonding. It'll happen.

Good luck!

I really want to love this kid and being a dad but at this point it's a job and I hate my job even though I'm killing it in the effort game.

You will love your kid, don't worry about that. Maybe you already do. There is no ah-ha moment, so it's hard to tell. It's not the same feeling as loving a significant other or a parent. It's something else entirely and you've never experienced it before, you probably don't realize you have it. My wife was the same way, took her a bit, but she loves it now.

You are killing it in the effort game. You've done an amazing job so far. Frankly, if what you say is true, you're making most of us look pretty bad, myself included. Be proud. Also get your mom to help. From an evolutionary perspective, that's what grandmas are for, so don't feel bad asking for help.

I never truly wanted to have a kid for a whole list of reasons including climate change, growing instability, feeling like I already don't have time to do the things I want to do, not feeling like I have my shit together (on paper I do, but I don't feel like that), not understanding what it means to be "happy"...stuff like that.

First, you're exactly the type of person who should be having a kid. So many intelligent, good, empathetic, introspective people choose not to have kids because of the reasons you listed, but let's be honest, they're scared little bitches. You're not one of them anymore. You have a living, breathing stake in the future and you have your shit together because you had a kid on purpose. Could your shit be more together? Perhaps. Does it need to be? No. Your shit is good enough. People in worse situations have kids and it works out.

If you and people like you didn't have kids, then the only people having kids would be... bad. It would be bad and we can't have that. So thank you, there will now likely be another good, intelligent, empathetic, and introspective person to take your place someday.

Second, I don't know what it means to be happy either but I don't care. I think that makes me happy in some way. But who knows, all I know is I'm not sad, and that's good enough for me.

Third, you'll be able to do the things you want to do. Things are a bit busy at the moment but as others have said it'll get easier. Your wife will continue to recover (but beware post partium depression) and your kid will get more and more capable. It happens fast.

Lastly, ask yourself why the crying bothers you so much? If it's just the volume, then wear ear protection. That helped me. If it's not the volume, then what is it?

Others have said what I would have said better so I won't say much, but I didn't think upvotes were enough so I will say that there's nothing wrong with you for feeling the way you do. You're not alone and things do get better, even if better ends up meaning something different than you were expecting.

Disclaimer: I don't have kids. Feel free to ignore.

As far as I know, this is not that rare. Maybe you could go a more practical route. It's not obligatory to have lots of instincts kick in, but it is expected that you take care of the kid. It is however likely that after a while that you'll get some neat experiences with the kid. Funny episodes. After a while they might even turn into a good friend.

Anyway. Hats off to you. Good luck

At three months, my son started smiling. That's when it got way easier. The post partum spouse care can be so hard - especially when there are complications.

Do you have any family (parents, siblings, in laws) you can ask for help? We basically had live in help for the first two months, I don't know if I could have done it without them.

Bonding happens over time no worries. But do try to relax a little more. When all you have is stress you cannot possibly enjoy the experience. Also thinking of the kid as a little you makes sense.

I have kids, 3 of them, did not want any. It gets better! It's normal to not fall instantly in love with them, even for the mother. It's a new person in your life and require that you adapt and change a lot of things.

It's not clear from your post what is exactly going on with your wife but postpartum syndrome is a reel thing and may be affecting her.

If you need help reach out to family and friends if that's possible. Depending on where you are in the world you may be able to find local support for new families, or even dad support groups.

Just to chime in to add to the anecdotal stats. I really didn't feel anything with our firstborn until they were about 6 months old and started to develop a personality and was able to actually interact. I don't think I really felt a bond until like 9 months.

Maybe thats rare, but maybe not. I feel like most guys think they're supposed to feel something magical right away and just say that they do so they don't fell like an asshole explaining that they don't feel a connection right away.

I too dont have any kids but to me, this is a key point in a relationship. You not wanting kids and her wanting 5 maybe should have been a flag before having kids

That said, it is what it is, and you are in it now so get the best out of it

There are pris and cons to having kids. Try to focus on the good things

Took me 3 months after birth to even start feeling different. I think men are slower than women with this.

I didn't have much connection with my kids when they were young. I mean... babies are not very interactive.

Basically every year got better as they turned into awesome people. The youngest is a few years from leaving, and every moment I have with him is a treasure.

Dad of two boys here. My wife and I luckily had kids when I was in my late 20s/early 30s. When I look back on it now, I don't think I could ever do the grind we did when they were babies. I remember showing up at work one day and I had only shaved the right half of my face because I was so sleep deprived. My wife and I would take turns getting up at night to feed our sons. At one point at like 3am I was burping my son on my shoulder and he threw up all over my back.

This might sound like doom and gloom, but trust me, it gets better. Your kiddo will blow your mind when you least expect it. They'll say and do things that will catch you completely off guard and it'll stick with you for the rest of your life. The first 6 months are going to be rough, but it gets better. Hang in there.

Hate to put it this way but my read is in ten years you and that kid are going to be pretty close and I kind of doubt you'll still be with your SO.

Kind-of-not-caring-that-much is a pretty normal dad thing like others have stated. You show up, you be yourself, you do what you gotta do, there's no single "clouds open up and your entire brain floods with dopamine and seratonin while angels sing YOU'RE A DAD YOU'RE A DAD" moment.

But the fact that you can just be kind of normal turns out the be one of the things your kid likes about you. They start following you around or spending time with you to get some time away from Mom. They bring you little problems and you get to teach them things about the world.

And then you blink and they're a teenager and suddenly they're too cool to say "I love you Daddy" anymore and you aren't prepared for how much that hurts.

So anyway that's how it happens. Btw for what it's worth, I don't think it was just tiktok brainrot that gave your SO rose colored glasses about parenthood: evolutionary biology has its own ways to compel women to want to have babies just like it has its own ways to compel men to go along with it. That's... why we're all here.