A person who is freezing to death because they refused to put on a coat is in crisis, but that doesn't make it your responsibility to light yourself on fire in order to keep them warm.

No matter what you choose to do, things are going to be difficult and awful for a little bit. But one path is going to lead to you eventually feeling a lot better, and the other path is going to have you marching around in circles and not really going anywhere at all. Your choice is whether to endure some really shitty times for things to get better, or to ensure some really shitty times for things to stay more or less exactly the same as they have been.

You can’t light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. You’re not this guy mother. You’re not his guardian. You’re not his care taker.

HE’S AN ALCOHOLIC!!!!!!

In case that isn’t clear, he’s an alcoholic. He’s NOT going to just cut back on drinking. He’s not going to make minor changes to cut back. Someone that is that reliant, takes naps so he can go drink more, and passes out from alcohol isn’t a casual drinker who’s going to be able to do anything but stop drinking completely.

HE’S NOT GOING TO CHANGE. And as much as this hurt to be told, he’s definitely not going to change for YOU. Hell, he’s already told you that (not in words, but actions).

Regardless of what’s going on with his job, family, social life, mental health it’s NOT your responsibility. Your ONLY responsibility is to YOU. He’s in a relationship with the pub and his alcohol of choice, and you’re in a relationship with a problem.

I’m truly not trying to be as harsh as I know I sound. I’ve literally been in your shoes more than a few times. Both with romantic partners, parent, friends and family members. He has an addiction that you can’t solve. HE DOES NOT WANT TO GET BETTER. At least not based on what you typed here.

Please leave him. If he ruins his life that’s on him. Not you. Many manipulative people use suicide as a tool to keep loved ones around. Whether is conscious on their part or not. If you are legitimately concerned he will hurt himself, call your local authorities and tell them. They can deal with him.

Move on. Please. He’s only going to keep dragging you down. I promise that once you’re out of the fog of this you will be better off.

I’d also recommend therapy for you to understand why you’re still trying to make this relationship work. And why you made the choices you did, knowing what you did.

I’m really honestly not trying to be mean to you. I’m very sorry that it comes off that way. I just don’t know how to make my points any softer. Please. Please. Please. Leave him.

You can’t stay in a bad relationship just because you’re worried about how a breakup affects the other person. It’s toxic and it’ll just perpetuate the cycle you’re stuck in. An end with pain is better than pain without end. It sounds like you’ve had multiple years of it not really working out, and that’s just getting dragged out even more. End it, move on, find happiness, you’re not his keeper.

There is no right time. Would you wait to cure cancer because it was inconvenient?

Sometimes you have to make hard choices with no good answers. But you also have to put yourself first.

From your explanation of the situation, your relationship sounds kind of toxic.

Maybe you’ll both feel better and better equipped to deal with your other stressors when you’re not also worried about each other anymore.

As far as the “I don’t want to leave because his drinking could get worse”: staying with someone because you think you’re the only thing holding their life together is kind of co-dependent and you’re probably over-valuing your contribution to his happiness. I’m sure you’re special to him, but you can’t control what he does once you leave — only he can control himself, and he’s an adult capable of making his own choices.

Seems really tough. You deserve to be happy!

I don't think there will ever be a right time, and I don't think you making yourself miserable until it's convenient for others for you to be happy (sounds like a theme perhaps?) is a good way to live

Both of you having whatever therapy and support networks you can in place is good, but this sounds like it'll be pretty difficult either way

It sounds like you've made the decision to leave. Can you call his parents and/or friends and share that your concern that he's going to hurt himself? I would make all of your arrangements to leave and then make the call(s). If he is making threats to hurt himself, I would go ahead and call emergency services.

He is very similar to how I was in my 20s. The exception is my style of drinking was pretty different, but at the end of the day we were both alcoholics (a word you appear to be avoiding). All the love in my life didn't prompt me to change.

What really did was to finally come to terms with my mortality and understanding that I was ruining my body.

At this point, it sounds like he will either die slowly with you or rapidly without you.

I personally think once the seed is planted, it just is. If he considered replacing you (note how I didn't say leaving), I think he will likely do it again, even if he conquers his demons. I do believe there's a chance you two could be happy together. That chance is probably very, very small. Is your life worth that gamble?

Transactional thought patterns are what we fall into when we cannot trust the people around us.

Our cultures and ways of life on Earth are not all the same. Our species can thrive (biologically speaking anyway, where survive and reproduce is all that is required) in all manner of surroundings.

Anyways, it's not always inherently bad, it's just an adaptation to being around too many untrustworthy people. So I think you should ask yourself, is this man genuinely trustworthy? If not, perhaps some transactional perspective would be an appropriate, healthy adaptation in this particular situation, when dealing with him in particular. For now, at least.

No matter when you do it, if he's got substance abuse problems and mental health issues, chances are it will be bad for him, there will never be a good time, there might be a better time but chances are he won't be feeling great after, no matter when it happens.

In the meantime you're not feeling like you're in a healthy relationship and you're still thinking about him more than you are about your own good, but do you want to wait until you hit rock bottom just in case there's a window of opportunity between now and that moment where you feel like he's feeling good enough that it might possibly not be as bad for him?

You split once before and that's when he got help, maybe that's exactly what will happen if you separate again... Thing is, you tried twice, it didn't work twice, I think you need a clean break, if you go then go and don't look back. If you decide not to go then you need to have therapy together and separately, he needs to join AA...

It's yours to decide if the relationship is important enough to try and salvage it again and remember, you can't force that on him, maybe he doesn't want it to be salvaged but he doesn't have the courage to put an end to it because it would mean having to deal with real world stuff by himself (like domestic responsibilities) instead of having someone close that does it for him... We're not in his head to know that, but if he's doing everything he can to escape the relationship then clearly he's not happy in it either, may be accept it or not (like it seems to be the case since you said he told you he loves you and that you're enough for him).

End it, it is not your responsibility. You shouldn't force yourself to stay in a relationship with someone because you feel guilty, sorry, or pity for them.

I'm a 35M alcoholic and I recognize the cycle you're describing as nearly identical to what I went through. I've been sober for 5 years now but, when I was drinking and the people around me were hurting, I noticed that their attending Al-Anon meetings really, really helped them. Al-Anon is a support group of peope who share their experience related to the effects of problem drinkers in their lives.The folks at Al-Anon made my non-alcoholic wife (then girlfriend) feel less alone while going through what must have felt like an impossible situation. Al-Anon groups ask that you donate a dollar at each group session you attend, but attending them is free.

I learned some valuable lessons in Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) that I still utilize to this day, although it's been a few years since I've attended a meeting. It sounds like AA might be a good place for your boyfriend to visit once he decides he's ready to try something different. But he doesn't have to go to AA in order for you to visit an Al-Anon group.

Good luck and please remember to take care of yourself as you're both going through this situation.

It's good to take care of others and it's fine to derive happiness from that. There's always a limit though, so find that balance.

As far as the relationship, you won't fix the alcoholism. He needs to recognize it and want to change. It seems like his desperate escape from life though, and that's something you can't take care of or fix. He must do this.

There will never be a perfect time to break things off. Yes, it's easier when there are two people paying the bills, but you'll adjust and succeed. Convenience it's the basis of a room mate, not your mate. Don't forget that your mental health is important too, and crying yourself to sleep isn't a very positive indicator.

I wish you luck.

Sorry to hear that, you seem to be in a very tough situation.

I don't have much advice unfortunately, I hope other people can help you more

You aren't fighting a person, you're fighting a drug. It sounds like your BF needs help. If he isn't willing to get it, then I'd leave.

It's pretty clear to me that your boyfriend is transitioning from being a functioning alcoholic to a non-functioning alcoholic. If he's drinking that much there's a good chance he'll start drinking at work and/or showing up inebriated to work, and if he drives there's a good chance he's driven drunk quite a few times already.

You need to have a very hard conversation about him cutting alcohol out of his life, as almost all alcoholics are not able to drink alcohol at a reasonable rate. It sounds like there's a chance at salvaging things if he can sober up, but if he isn't willing to sober up then you don't want to be there as he continues to spiral down the drain.

People who let alcohol control them change, but can change back once they get back into control. There's a chance the man you fell in love with will return once he's sober, but plenty of people have died from the bottle instead of sobering up because addiction sucks

You know what you want to hear, and it's totally understandable to not feel confident in your own opinions especially when you're worried that they're selfish or short term.

It seems like you've been in the transitional phase for a while, breaking connections in every practical way but you're scared of crossing the line to make it official.

Reading this my 2 cts is this:

You're not leaving him because you feel sorry (responsible?) for him and don't think he can make it on his own.

He's not leaving you because he feels sorry (responsible?) for you and don't think you can make it on your own.

See the problem?

You both have issues which are making the other one stay in an unhappy relationship. Objectively the solution is very simple. But reality usually fucks up objectivity.

Don't ask me how I now ;)

I haven't caught up with all the comments yet, so forgive me if I'm missing some context.

You've described a situation eerily similar to my own, with many of the same challenges, dysfunctions, and dynamics. I'm only saying that to frame my response. Reading it over after I've typed it, I think I'm giving more support/encouragement than actual suggestions, but some of this is the stuff I needed to hear myself.

First, I feel for you, going through this pain. It is one of the hardest things to experience, certainly. It is not, however, permanent unless you allow it to be.

Second, the solution will likely require intense work from both of you, but it sounds like you already understand that.

Third, don't be surprised if it gets worse before it gets better. I add this to give you hope.

Finally, to quote C. S. Lewis, "You can't go back and change the beginning but you can start where you are and change the ending."

Special bonus content: I found the book Facing & Overcoming Codependency by Andrei Nedelcu unbelievably illuminating for my own situation, and would suggest it to you even for the lessons and skills it teaches regardless of whether codependency is ultimately the issue for either if you.

Best wishes.