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I hate myself and I'll never have anything
(pricefield.org)
I'm sorry if this is not the comment you were looking for, but I think I hear where you're coming from and I empathize a lot with you and your current situation. It sounds like you're in an overwhelming amount of pain right now. It sounds like you're having issues with HRT working properly, finances, loneliness, and depression. Social media can be a nice distraction, but it can also magnify our pain and distract us from trying to tackle it. You're feeling hopeless right now, and that's completely valid and understandable given your situation. But try not to interpret it as evidence that things are permanently broken and not worthwhile. It's evidence that you're in a really tough place and could really use some compassion right now. Hearing you say that you started HRT 2 years ago suggests to me that there is something you really want and that you're motivated to pursue it. Maybe there's something to be gained in trying to accept that things haven't gone perfectly over the last 2 years, asking yourself what you need, and trying some new things. Some more medical insight to optimize your HRT and some community sound like they'd be helpful. Returning to your hometown doesn't sound like it excites you, but maybe your familiarity there can work to your advantage. I like the saying "it's always darkest just before the dawn." I hope things start to get better for you and soon. If you're overwhelmed, setting small goals or a "one day at a time" approach can be a good strategy. Virtual hug <3