For me the idea is disgusting. I cannot do that, and again feels like I'm confirming my failure as a healthy fertile male. I already feel bad masturbating.

I'm functional and decently endowed (according to the internet) but it's everything else in my reality and my "soul" that works against me

I'm sorry but I really can't. I'm too old and weird for it, plus I don't feel like changing, it would be like erasing myself, I'm not a bad person, but if nobody wants me then I'm screwed because that undesired individual is me and no one else.

Is not really a goal. I'm already giving up in things that I liked because I can do them anyways and doing silly things just to "be successful at something" if I don't have an almost instant gratification I will give up. Because I'm not wired like you, I just can't work for something just for self improvement.

I'm already giving up on trying to drive a car. I'm done.

You already have a partner. Is not the same at all. Not trying to judge you in the slightest.

I'm not capable. And I don't have the money

My qualities aren't worth shit in the real world

I live in the middle of nowhere. Being this weird and picky is not going to work with anyone dude. I have 0 chances, rejection and never trying suck both equally, but I can't change the rules. The only way women would want me is if I was the only man available in a 30 km radius and even that is being generous.

Nah I'm complete and functional (physically speaking). I'm just a failed adult, and that's on the center, my core. It cannot change and in a way, I don't want to change it.

Sounds nice

Is that a book?