You've been thinking it about it every day for months. You need to do it. Speaking as someone who started transistioning within a year of sobering up, you've been masking the pain of dysphoria with narcotics. That will kill you. And the dysphoria will get worse as you age. Do you talk to a therapist?

I'm afraid I've no idea of costs, I presume just the NHS prescription charge so £9 per med. Yea their website is not great but if you email them a person will get back to you and they're super helpful and friendly. They've helped out a lot of trans people (and got a lot of stick from the Telegraph etc). I don't even think you'll need to travel, online appts and then pick up from your pharmacy. Best of luck!

There is a clinic in Brighton called wellBn (or maybe wellBN1). They are very trans positive and will take patients from all across the country to allow them or access gender affirming care. They currently have a wait list of 2 months or so to get seen, but that's not bad. Might be worth checking their website and shooting them an email.

Milquetoast?

Please, don't call me put like this

Still feels like an unachievable goal at 32. Part of me still feels unsure that it's what I want, especially as it will mean losing my partner of 12 years. Yet I still keep finding myself on these subs, doing voice training it my alone time, shave my legs etc.

I'm in a not dissimilar position to you, right down to the childhood karate, and really resonate with your post. Except I'm 4 years older and my relationship has been going for 4 years older. It's always weird and scary to understand these things, and can be very hard to share with your partner. I've been talking to a therapist about some of this stuff recently and they recommended reading the work of Meg John Barker, particularly the material on plurality. They have a lot of material available on line for free and it's all short, really worth a read. The guist of it is that as a person you are likely plural, made up of multiple different "personas" that can be thought of the sources of various emotions/feelings, and it's likely that one of more of them are not the gender you're assigned at birth. You can embrace this at times without fully transitioning, or use it as a way to experiment 5o see if you want to live full time as a woman. I have so much respect for the girls here who have done it, but it looks like a challenging ordeal, even once you're passing, and it is further complicated by already being in a cis het relationship with someone you love, means there is a lot more on the line. Wish you all the best in figuring all this out (and maybe when you do you can let me know xD )

That sounds shit. No advice here I'm afraid but I'll pour out some eggnog for you. I hope you get through it all right xx

Yea I just know this is some catalysis chemist having a bad day

Not necessarily trans fiction, but an incredible book with an amazing deconstruction of gender, highly recommend.

Have you read The Dispossessed?

This is inspirational

How did you tell your wife? I think I'm in a similar spot, really feel ya regarding being hit with a truck if emotions, but I've no idea how to tell my wife (Technically just gf but of 11 years - starting to understand why I've never had a desire to pop the question )