What's its name? I've seen some before, but rarely. Once every few years or so. Thanks
Edit: the likeliest candidate is an Old House Borer without antennae.
First rule of parenthood: You have to want it.
You broke that rule. And yes, it sucks. But it's self inflicted.
The magic of holding your kid and feeling that connection either happens or it doesn't. Don't stress about it. It's normal regardless. It may be triggered by parenthood, but it's a personality trait.
You and your kid are practically strangers stuck with each other. You don't have to like each other, but you have to work together for the years to come. Over time, you'll grow comfortable with the other's presence and quirks. As the parent, you have the leading role, however over time that dynamic will slowly shift.
The point of this challenge you have so carelessly self-inflicted is to grow as a person through it. You don't have to know if you can complete the journey on your own, but whether you can accept your kid as a constant companion and strive to do so together.
You're the dad now. What did your dad do and what can you do better? Can you reach where he climbed or can you surpass him? And in doing so, will you understand him better as the person he was? Finally, what kind of person will you want your son to see in his heart should he ever attempt to make the same journey?
You've started to climb a mountain. It will be tough, there will be mistakes and nobody knows what you'll find along the way if anything, but as you've already noticed, all that waits behind you now is an unpleasant fall into an abyss you'll have to crawl out of eventually. And that will suck a lot more.
Good luck, pops! You're a role model now!
Whatever negativity you're getting from my comment, my tone is in response to your post. If it feels aggressive, it's because you're in charge of another life that you borderline see as a burden. Emotions leak out even through text, let alone direct contact. So this "I'm doing this because I have to" attitude I'm getting will affect him as well even if you try not to.
I apologize if this stresses you out further. However, I think you should consider adding some therapy sessions for yourself in order to reconcile with the trajectory of life you were thrust upon that doesn't match your expectations or desires.
I think you're taking too much of a burden on your shoulders and it will affect your interactions with all of your family members regardless of your intentions.
Again, good luck and try to find a healthy way to vent in advance in case of any unexpected situations.