True detective

That is how you spell pheonix and I don't care what the Oxford English dictionary or anyone else says.

The hero yoshihiko for anyone wondering what the show is.

I was sat at home alone one night, have my first joint in months. Sat at back door looking out into the woods and think I can hear a girl sobbing. I must be stoned as hell. Then I clearly hear some girl shouting help me! In my pyjamas and Crocs I up and run off into the woods.
While running through the woods my stoned brain says to me if I were planning an ambush, this is what I'd do.
Shut up brain.
Find a young woman sobbing in the pitch darkness off the path in the woods.
Calllm her down. She had an argument with her boyfriend and he took her phone and left her in the woods, she doesn't know where she is.
I offer to drive her to the hotel she says she's staying at.
Halfway there I see the cops coming out of the station and flag them down, they were just on their way out to look for this girl.
I tell them what happened and they said I could be on my way.
Thank fuck as I was too high to be talking to cops.
Turns out that girl and her boyfriend work at the hotel with my mate, he says this happens once a week, her boyfriend had in fact not taken her phone she had it all along, he just walked off when she started causing drama again.

I gave my wife a ring made out of coconut. Cost me $2 and she instantly dropped it off the balcony if the resturaunt we were at. The Thai owner of the place climbed off the balcony into the boulder field underneath and spent 20 minutes looking for it. Even after I explained that it was only a cheap coconut ring. He said the price isn't the point, it's the memories!
He found it, what a legend.

Maybe they're telling people to go touch grass.

It just changes the direction of the cable so instead of sticking straight up the cable gets redirected and now is nearly behind the deck and flowing down.

I started balding in my late teens. Shaved my head for the first time at 20. Never looked back. Wished I'd done it sooner.
Still remember an offhand comment from a girl who said I have a nice shaped head.
A quick once over with the clippers once a week and you're good.
Whatever you decided to do don't stress about it! I'm sure that will only make it worse.
Bonus: the freshly shaved head acts as velcro to keep your hat on during windy days!

If I recall correctly the fastest object ever was a manhole cover after an explosion. If it was sentient then it would be the fastest creature.
BRB, going to look up the incedent.
Edit: Here you go

The lead engineer at a site I work on from time to time is on a 3 on 3 off rotation (weeks) on an offshore oil rig.
It turns out he was having to miss some of his trips because he had to 'look after his ailing father'.
It turns out he was spending this time working another lead engineer job, for the same oil company but in a different country.
He got away with it for months until some issue came up and he had to call into the office and they noticed his number was from another country, Saudi Arabia.
Haven't been back to that site in a while so I don't know what happened to him but he's certainly not working there any more.

My wife gave birth like this, right on the living room floor and my daughter came out in an egg. The whole thing happened so quick, the midwife only arrived a few moments before she dropped, lucky as she needed to cut the egg open and get my daughter out.
Meanwhile I was lying on the sofa with a broken leg trying to stop our cat from eating everything.

In that case Felix Baumgartner is the fastest human being.
With a top speed of 843.6 mike's per hour.
Ussain Bolt and suck it.
Edit: if the autocorrect mistake is funny, just leave tit as tit is.