Ask Lemmy

I think it's at least partially cultural. Depending on the country you're living in, it may be part of the culture.

I am from the USA, and the "rugged individualist" mindset is rampant and unhealthy.

It can also come from family history. Most of my feelings of being a burden come from a childhood of being told I was a burden even though I never asked to be brought into this world.

I still feel like a burden even though I didn't ask to have cancer, either.

It often comes from how family characterizes it, as well. I explained to my mother recently that she doesn't even notice she's doing it. I have worked hard all my life and it is not my fault that society has devalued the kind of work I do and that even though I have worked long hours, always worked holidays, and in general busted my ass, I have very little to show for it. Yet, when she talks about my sister, she characterizes it as "Well, your sister grew up and got out on her own," as though I haven't grown up and haven't been doing grown up things and haven't just been overworked and underpaid. She has promised to try to not talk about it that way anymore because late into her seventies, she's finally fucking realizing how damaging that is and how much it hurts when I have worked hard and been an adult, too. I chose jobs and careers which still have a lot of value in society but society has decided they don't want to pay for, and she is finally recognizing that instead of placing the blame on me or acting like I haven't "grown up" because I struggled and am still struggling.

In the USA at least, I commonly hear people tell each other that they should drop someone as a friend or a partner if it's too hard to support them. It makes me ill inside. Nobody asked to be here, nobody asked for the problems they have, and if we weren't all overworked and put on the verge of homelessness, we might actually have the capacity to care for each other instead of giving up and trying to find someone else.