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it just, that it feels so absolute. no matter what, I'm powerless, and now I'm in a very precarious situation and might end up in alligator Auschwitz.
Have you ever heard the phrase “fake it till you make it”? Your thoughts become your reality. If you say you are powerless then you are.
I'm an undocumented immigrant (against my will) in Trump's America. A concentration camp is a very likely outcome for me.
If that is the case at least it could radicalize your daughters to fight for human rights. Even that would be a better outcome for your family than suicide.
You are going through a tough time like I will never know. Just know that at this time you are free. You are not bound unless you bind yourself. And that means you can choose what to do next, and your choices may improve your situation. You are in a mind prison but I cannot break you out. I’m just showing you that the door is open for when you choose to walk out.
The most powerful words in the world are the things we tell ourselves and believe.
I went to some workshop my mom really wanted me to attend after my marriage fell apart. It was years ago, and I don't remember much because it really wasn't my thing, but I clearly remember that phrase.
I took that to mean that it starts with how you treat yourself.
As someone who hit rock bottom, it gets better. My marriage ended with me in handcuffs, accused of something I didn't do, with one of my daughters in an ambulance going to a psych hospital and the other daughter with my mom.
The charges got dropped the next day (long story) but I still spent a night in jail, and all I could think about is how long 20 years would be. How old my kids would be. I was 31 at the time.
I'm 35 now, moving in with a woman I couldn't imagine not sharing the rest of my life with. My kids are with me for the school year, and they go stay with my ex for the summer. Literally everyone (even my ex) is better off, even if it doesn't make me happy to admit it.
It gets better. And I think it starts by being nicer to yourself.
Therapy can really help, too.