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Compromises you've made for partners and how they turned out. (lemmus.org)

submitted 1 month ago by Greercase@lemmus.org to c/womensstuff@piefed.blahaj.zone

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I have a lot of friends in marriages/ltr and it seems like someone is always compromising on something they originally thought they were looking for. You often hear "not who I was looking for, but who ended up being perfect for me" or similar lines. I'm not encouraging lowering standards, but I think we've all experienced shifting priorities for partners. What are some "musts" that you became flexible on and how did that turn out? What are some "nevers" you became flexible about and how did those turn out? Your experience might not help everyone, but it could provide insight to others.

Some personal examples: Must: like reading I had a long relationship with someone who basically never read anything. I still had friends I could talk to about books, and they spent their time building things. I realized it's a nice plus, but not a necessary part of a relationship for me.

Never: workaholic I had a year long relationship with a workaholic. They tried so hard to back off from work, and I knew I was important to them, but so was their job. I ended things after a year because of this. Still a never again, but I'm taken now so hopefully it won't matter going forward.

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[–] RBWells@lemmy.world 3 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago)

Step parenting depends so heavily on the situation - my step kids bio mom was such a piece of work they did and do come to me for more of the mom stuff, though they were teens when we got together so it wasn't little kid parenting, more like college and financial and relationship advice. And my ex was off the rails and on the booze for most of my younger kids life so husband was more of a dad to them, though they call him by his name. One of my good friends yelled at me when I said "husband's kids" he says no way, you have to love them & parent all equally it is not his or yours they are y'all's.

So I agree in the situations where the other parent is competent & involved, be a friend not a parent, always talk up the other parent like they are awesome and always defer parenting decisions to them. But that is not a universal rule by any stretch. Sometimes the step parent is the best parent.

ETA: when my husband divorced his ex, he got custody of his kids but also his step kids, and the courts here heavily favor the mom. She really was that bad, and apparently still is. My ex has sort of had a redemption arc, he quit drinking and that helped him a lot, he has not dug out altogether but is doing much better.