this post was submitted on 13 Aug 2025
285 points (89.5% liked)

Not The Onion

17654 readers
637 users here now

Welcome

We're not The Onion! Not affiliated with them in any way! Not operated by them in any way! All the news here is real!

The Rules

Posts must be:

  1. Links to news stories from...
  2. ...credible sources, with...
  3. ...their original headlines, that...
  4. ...would make people who see the headline think, “That has got to be a story from The Onion, America’s Finest News Source.”

Please also avoid duplicates.

Comments and post content must abide by the server rules for Lemmy.world and generally abstain from trollish, bigoted, or otherwise disruptive behavior that makes this community less fun for everyone.

And that’s basically it!

founded 2 years ago
MODERATORS
you are viewing a single comment's thread
view the rest of the comments
[–] cjoll4@lemmy.world 181 points 3 days ago* (last edited 3 days ago) (5 children)

Matt said: “It was a very embarrassing accident. One of the issues with being so large, especially in hot water showers, is that it’s not exactly easy to see my feet.

“Especially when I move too fast, it can definitely mess with my balance, too. As I was rushing to get ready for work, I didn’t see the excess shower gel in the tub because my penis was the only thing in my eye line.

Right, because a fifteen-inch penis is totally going to obstruct your view of both feet and everything else below your waistline, and your dick is totally the reason you clumsily slipped. And you totally aren't looking for every possible excuse to turn any event of your life into another opportunity to brag about your massive, record-breaking schlong.

🙄

[–] Heikki2@lemmy.world 36 points 3 days ago (1 children)
[–] SirSamuel@lemmy.world 14 points 2 days ago (3 children)

While I appreciate the link, I am absolutely not having that in my watch history. I really don't want recommendations based on…whatever that is

[–] Heikki2@lemmy.world 2 points 1 day ago

He just described the bulge he sees and then tries to play it off like he wasn't staring at it. He says dick a bunch, and I think 1 fuck

[–] tedd_deireadh@lemmy.world 23 points 2 days ago (1 children)

Oh, c'mon! Where's your sense of adventure?

[–] SirSamuel@lemmy.world 15 points 2 days ago (1 children)

It died when my bones started to creak

[–] otter@lemmy.dbzer0.com 3 points 2 days ago (1 children)
[–] SirSamuel@lemmy.world 3 points 2 days ago (1 children)

Feels like it sometimes, ngl

Old age is probably worse, but middle age sucks

[–] otter@lemmy.dbzer0.com 1 points 1 day ago

Not a very obfuscating username, Mr. Jackson. 🙇🏼‍♂️

[–] PhoreTwunny@lemmy.world 4 points 2 days ago

Yeah Tom Segura, yuck

[–] Evil_Shrubbery@lemmy.zip 19 points 2 days ago (2 children)

He just likes to brag & isn't evolved enough to have a detachable penis.

[–] cjoll4@lemmy.world 7 points 2 days ago (1 children)
[–] otter@lemmy.dbzer0.com 2 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago)

I don't even have to clock the link, and King Missile is now playing the hits in my head. 🤘🏼

edit: leaving it, as-is

[–] ImADifferentBird@lemmy.blahaj.zone 4 points 2 days ago (1 children)
[–] Evil_Shrubbery@lemmy.zip 4 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago)

Anyone can acquire an enormous penis & just have it on display somewhere to soothe your day.

[–] tisktisk@piefed.social 12 points 3 days ago (1 children)

It takes one to know one, and buddy...you're not that guy

[–] otter@lemmy.dbzer0.com 1 points 2 days ago

Thankfully, neither am I. 😅😶

[–] ParadoxSeahorse@lemmy.world 0 points 1 day ago

“Especially when I move too fast, it can definitely mess with my balance, too.As I was rushing to get ready for work, I didn’t see the excess shower gel in the tub because my penis was the only thing in my eye line.

“I slipped on it, causing me to fall out of the tub completely head first and crack my shoulder on the hard floor.I got two fractures as a result.”

Sounds like he slipped on his penis

[–] EvilEdgelord@sh.itjust.works 5 points 2 days ago (1 children)

That sounds suspiciously jealous 😏

[–] happyfullfridge@lemmy.ml 11 points 2 days ago (2 children)

I'm 100% sure you cannot get an erection if it's that long, not enough blood in the body to supply it. You should probably get a surgery to make it smaller if you have this

[–] lost_faith@lemmy.ca 2 points 2 days ago

Nah, you wanna blood dope

[–] otter@lemmy.dbzer0.com 2 points 2 days ago (1 children)
[–] happyfullfridge@lemmy.ml 0 points 1 day ago (1 children)

if you are a doctor and have knowledge about it I'm happy to be educated, what I said is conjecture of what seems intuitively true to me personally

[–] otter@lemmy.dbzer0.com 1 points 12 hours ago (1 children)

I am not a doctor, nor was I the one spouting room temp BS with an air of familiarity to the topic. What you've posted is a half-thought that, especially since you're presumably holding a device, could've been just as quickly pursued to a citable reference you could've shared as part of your, now refined comment.

Think of the children, Doc. 🤌🏼

[–] happyfullfridge@lemmy.ml 1 points 3 hours ago

genuinely looked and there's not much info or research about extremely large penis actually, if you find something I'm happy to hear it