this post was submitted on 26 Aug 2025
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> Boo hoo I am going to be a 40 year old virgin!
And? I'm a 29yr old who is still a kissless virgin. Just try to get some good friends or something. Improve your career and climb up that ladder, then sex or relationships won't even matter anymore. Get off of 4chan.
Wtf no your 9-5 (or in your case im guessing much longer) isn't a replacement for a relationship.
If you're somehow able to do nothing but work and self improvement all day and be satisfied with just that in your life then good for you but don't assume everyone can just adapt to that mindset.
Humans are not evolved to find intimacy so irrelevant.
This is a green text so I'm gonna suspend as much reality as I can.
This is not gonna go over well but here we go.
If you want to talk to women or whatever romantic/sexual partner you'd prefer, why the fuck are we paying women to approach them in a non-romantic/sexual professional setting and then being upset?
Either open up to people, lower your standards, or increase your own self-worth to approach whatever arbitrary standards you've made for you.
Talking to people in a romance/sex setting isn't a fucking myth, it's a very everyday part of life that every single person thinks about. Approach it like that, don't be an asshole, and above all go out and have fun.
There is someone for you, and even if you don't think so, there's someone exactly like you willing to take the same risk.
If you've read this, and you're upset, it's on you. Go outside and fucking try.
I'd approached this very subject in therapy. My problem was being worried about my standards, because I've been looking for something so very specific in a partner, that even my therapist was surprised that I managed to find people who fit the bill. But my therapist highlighted that I did, indeed, manage to have several partners who matched my intent during the almost two decades since I've started doing this whole Relationship™ deal, and I'm a weird fucker looking for likewise weird fuckers!
@Whostosay is 100% correct. There are over 8 billion (edit: to highlight billion - BILLION! Can you even picture that amount?! I sure as hell can't, can barely conceptualise millions!) individuals on this planet at the moment, and humanity isn't THAT creative for there to be no common ground between us. It's statistically improbable for there to not be at least someone who matches you. Sure, it may take a long while to find such people if your standards are very specific (I usually spend several years solo between partners due to this, plus I don't do hook-ups, one-night-stands or fwb stuff because they do nothing for me), but there ARE people out there who fit the bill.
Take a chance! Go out into the world and shoot your shot! Post a "seeking partner" post online, be honest and specific, go on dating apps with the specific intent of looking for who YOU want and stop focusing on a high-score! Like, what the hell do you have to lose, y'know? Just be 100% honest about it, both with yourself and potential interests! Are you socially awkward and anxious? Then TELL THEM! Worst case scenario, they'll react like a sociopathic douchebag with zero empathy, in which case they will have dodged that bullet for you! But the best case scenario is that they'll be able to empathise and will see that you are a human being with a heart, with thoughts and feelings, and they'll not only appreciate your honesty, but they may even find your awkwardness comforting and endearing (the only people who have zero doubts about anything are those who are lying to themselves and to everyone around them).
And in the meantime, have fun! Pick up hobbies, read random books, spend hours topic-jumping on the internet, develop weird fixations, go for long walks, whatever! Keep busy and live your life!
P.S.: and before anyone thinks I'm just a confident person, I have news for you: I even second-guess the way I wipe my ass. But I just... get over it! I don't know how else to put this, accept your doubts, accept that they're there, then do it anyway! Maybe you'll fuck up, but then you'll have earnt a good life lesson if you look at it with honesty!
Hell yeah dude, you highlighted rule 2 extremely well.
COMMUNICATE, ITS NOT WEIRD, SOMEONE ELSE ALREADY THOUGHT IT AND FUCKED IT OR STUCK IT UP THEIR ASS, WHO CARES GET WEIRD, TALK ABOUT IT.
also not confident either, but if you're not announcing yourself, you're probably complaining about being stood up by an employee that doesn't even know your name somewhere.
I want to give an alternative perspective that will hopefully help.
A lot of people make arbitrary lists of requirements, like they need these physical features, these hobbies, etc. Then when they're getting to know people, they go one by one down that checklist to see if they measure up like they're shopping for furniture instead of making a friend. Then they get frustrated that "nobody is interested in a relationship" when the fact is they're just not interested in being treated like a product at a store.
My advice is to go out with the intent to make friends. It could turn out that you find a new hobby you really enjoy with one friend that just doesn't hit the same with anyone else or by yourself. Maybe that's DnD, quilting, or skating. Try new things with new people and maybe you'll find companionship with someone you didn't expect.
As you begin a new relationship, make sure you align on whatever's most important to you, but be flexible with the rest, and be comfortable with the other person not changing in the ways you expect or want. Here are some things I think it's goods to be picky about:
I think pretty much everything else becomes less important once you meet the right person.
If there's one thing I've learnt in 34 years of existing on this planet, it's that feelings can't be controlled - we can only control our actions, but good luck swimming against the current of what the heart desires. If someone wants to make friends, then that will be the intent. If someone wants a relationship, making friends will never suffice. And it's ok to go out there with the intent of finding a partner specifically! In my opinion and experience, it really is counterproductive to go completely against what one knows one wants. I mean... what's even the point, then?
I do agree with you in that one should know what one wants out of a relationship, the important things. As you've said, reproductive trajectory, goals, dreams, ideals, beliefs, lifestyle, these are all vital aspects. But it's also ok if someone has more aspects on that list, my "vital" may look vastly different from anyone else's "vital." For instance, I delve into the abstracts as well. I need someone creative in my life, I need someone who understands hardships and doesn't treat them as "just smile more, bro, you'll get over it." I need someone who understands their feelings, who works with and around them instead of trying to deny or control them. And I need someone who's into weird shit, into grim and grotesque shit, because those are a large part of my life, of who I am.
Point is, it's ok to want a relationship and not friendship! It's ok to want specifics! As long as one goes out there with openness and honesty, and treats everyone with the respect all life deserves, without wanting or expecting someone to change for them, then there's absolutely nothing wrong with however one chooses to go about things. All methods require an amount of compromise, one just has to decide what kind of compromise one is willing to make!
But that's just it, openness, honesty and respect are VITAL. Be open to knowing a person on their own terms, just as you would like to be known. Be honest, always, about what you want, how you feel (or don't feel!), and respect everyone's right to define who they want to be without imposing who you'd want them to be - you either accept them as they are and into your life, or you ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE and move on. And then, back to respect - respect their decision around you, as well.
I honestly don't know you personally, but my point is that maybe you don't need all of that in one person. Maybe you just need someone who will support you in things you find value in and encourage you to pursue your passions, but you'll actually pursue them with different groups of people.
And that's the point of going out and making friendship a priority. Friends can meet a lot of needs and reduce what you need from a romantic partner. If you can separate what roles a romantic partner must satisfy from what can be satisfied by friend groups, your pool of potential partners increases substantially.
For example, I'm really nerdy and into a lot of weird technical stuff. My SO is quite different and doesn't know what I'm talking about half the time, and is really into art and related things. We do things together where we overlap, and the rest is with other friend groups.
I think people get hung up looking for the perfect fit instead of a good fit.
Exactly!
Some people find sex less important than others and prefer to focus their energy on other aspects of their lives.
No debate there but I don't think you can extend that truth into suggesting that everyone could just as easily be fulfilled if they just "focus their energy on other aspects of their lives".
Yeah, that's a classic logical fallacy. What's true for one isn't likely true for most, and what's true for most isn't necessarily true for one.
i call that phenomenon "over-generalization". you observe yourself and assume that everybody feels the same way, which, empirically, is simply not the case.
We're talking about relationships, not sex. They're related, but not the same. You can have a romantic, intimate relationship without sex. Sex is not required for fulfilling relationships, and it can often ruin them.
Humans are social creatures and usually find more satisfaction with a good relationship than without one. Most who say they don't are either lying (copium) or have only had bad relationships.
The idea that intimacy is required to live a fulfilling life is the lie. There are famous examples of people who were life long virgins. A few of them were in unconsummated marriages.
My assumption would be many of the people you're referencing are/were either on the aro/ace spectrum or simply closeted homosexuals.
Most people desire intimacy, and will experience some amount of discomfort/distress from a prolonged lack of intimacy. See also "touch-starved." It is also perfectly normal for individuals to find themselves on the aromantic/asexual spectrum, where they may either not need intimacy or may even find displeasure/discomfort/distress when engaging in intimacy for another's sake. These are things that are important to keep in mind when discussing other's needs and desires or lack thereof
I would argue the reverse is also true. There were famous people with intimate relationships that have very unfulfilling lives.
Surrender yourself to the capitalist machine
I'm also bad at articulating my point, so this is on me.
Friends are very important and having a career does not necessarily mean "Surrendering to the capitalist machine". (For example, running a union, contributing to a socialist group, growing a militia, etc.)
Also having friends and family is important. I guess to me, wanting sex/romance feels so manufactured. Maybe that's the ace half of me talking. I really don't know.
You realize most people aren't asexual, right?
You are not wrong to not care about sex and romantic relationships. If that is how you are happy. And I mean truly happy. Not lying to yourself because the grapes are sour anyways. Then there is nothing wrong with it. We are all wired In different way and enjoy different things.
Having said that, you are the minority.
Humans by design seek sex and romantic intimacy. The vast majority of people place a lot of importance on it. It's not just about the physical act or the pleasure of it, it's the intimacy, the trust, the closeness. It's being able to be truly exposed and vulnerable, and having your partner be just as exposed and vulnerable. It's being able to give pleasure and accept pleasure. Our brains become flooded with feel good chemicals. Humans are typically wired to want sex.
My point is, no one should judge you or look down on you for living the way you want. Some people will, but they are ass hats and you should ignore them. But In the same way you should understand that most people get A LOT out of sex, especially good sex.
I get what you mean. I guess everybody's sexual desires are different. To me, it's an artform.
Sexuality, if done right, connects people. People want to impress their crush so they come up with creative ideas, and that can turn into an artform. Also it can connect people in more intimate ways than is possible during work-related settings.
Yeah, it's actually impossible to have a job that you enjoy, or a profession that makes you feel like you're doing something important. We've all been gaslit by the capitalist money machine, and the professional pride we feel when we complete a project is just a coping mechanism. The only reason we spend years training, often since childhood, is the constant crushing threat of starvation. Wake up, sheeple!
For some people, having a well-paying job or a career with advancement opportunities is a vital part of a fulfilling life. You can't deny that.
Ultimately, capitalism is bad because it drains the only world we have of rescources making life for the next generation harder and harder. And you're preaching this to people who will never have children.
"Cut off the hands of the armless."
Bro…I’m glad you’re happy. If you do get the chance for a kiss though, it’s worth trying it out. They feel nice.
i guess it's good for you that you're an emotionless cold-hearted robot (at least that's how you come across through your writing) because that means you'll be able to slave away without regret, but there's people who actually do want to have a future, and there's no future without each other.
Well, I do want friendships for sure. I guess I have seen so many examples of toxic incel friends that obsess over wanting a girlfriend, and that having a girlfriend would fix all of their problems, and don't have obviously bigger issues to worry about.
Maybe I listen to the man-haters too much. I am willing to change my mind.
EDIT: I also have to tell you that I'm a huge NEET, so I do feel very unaccomplished and said career, only to find out that is capitalistic propaganda. So there is that.
ok sorry for having written such a sharply-tongued comment :) i just tend to do that, don't take it too personal
yeah, capitalist propaganda that we all have to work hard. i know that one.
It's all good :) I probably should take this male loneliness crisis more seriously.
CityNerd posted a weird video about the male loneliness crisis and pretty much blamed men for being shitty. Glad to know he must have been pandering to a certain audience instead of being more fair.
Improve your what and do what? I have no idea what that means.
Fixed. Man, I'm bad at spelling.
He should stay on 4chan he just needs to change boards. Plenty of boards where he can fix that