Not sure where else to post this besides here…if it’s more appropriate somewhere else, please direct me there.
31, male, virgin, autism, bipolar, socially awkward, ostracized growing up, hit with the ugly stick.
I have decided to end the search for a romantic partner in the face of 100% failure over the past decade and a half. The idea that everyone has a soulmate is bullshit, and I’m one of the ones who doesn’t. I have not found anyone who seems to want me (there was a brief LDR but she was psychotic, as I quickly found, and things ended very shortly after they began), and given my near-total lack of experience I don’t see any point in making any further efforts.
I cannot change how anyone sees me nor can I compel anyone to view me in a certain light. Whatever flaws I possess in addition to those already mentioned are, apparently, deep-rooted and systemic to the point that I don’t know what I need to change about myself, nor do I think at this point that it’s even possible (or indeed worth it).
I have tried to make my peace with this. Every time I think I’ve done it, though, something comes up and I’m back to square one again. (This time around it was a random manic or mixed episode.) I am in therapy, but these matters persist in causing me negative effects on my mental and physical health. The term “touch-starved” has been applied to me, among others.
I need to put this issue to rest in order to actually move on and do things with my life. How do I subdue and get over the desire for companionship?
This is exactly it. I need to figure out how to let go. It is not within me to simply let a thing die.
I think you're pulling the wrong thing out, even though your statement might be true. Yes, it could be useful to let go. But fucking work on loving yourself.
Someone once told me that I could never be with her unless I loved myself. At that point, I'd gone from hating myself to liking myself, but couldn't see me ever loving myself. I continued the work (therapy, a desire to end every day a slightly better person than the day before (you know, growing)).
I've now loved myself for roughly four years. This is a lifetime achievement for me and it makes all the difference. When you're excited by life people pick up on it (said the cynic who is terrified of the future because holy shit. These ideas can, surprisingly, co-exist). There are many ways to get there, but getting there is the point. Invest in yourself.