I (22M, straight) have never tried dating women due to gender roles. There is nothing that turns me off more than an unequal partnership where I'm pigeonholed into being some stoic protector who never cries, never needs comfort, doesn't like "girly" things, and always leads affection and intimacy.
You know what I like? When a woman is strong, confident, playful, and comforting, but is also down-to-earth and vulnerable. Someone I could take turns caring for and being cared for by, pursuing and being pursued by her. I don't want some stupid power dynamic; I want us to be like best friends, equals with matching vibes who care for and comfort one another. And for us to have lots of fun together: foam sword fights in the living room, baking cakes together despite neither of us knowing what we're doing, having goofy staring contests... whimsical and silly stuff like that.
There is absolutely no room for gender roles in my life because I want us to feel like buddies, not the infallible chivalrous knight and the small vulnerable one. I see the opposite genders as complements that equally embody both strength and vulnerability. Hell, there's not even any room in my life for this serious adult facade everyone seems to put on. Having adult responsibilities doesn't mean I also have to act all serious and sophisticated. No, I'm going to be silly because we have only a finite amount of time on this earth and I'm going to use it to make people laugh and smile.
The Internet has made me disillusioned with the idea of a relationship because gender roles are constantly reinforced. "If you show your emotions to a woman she'll use them against you later" or "If you cry in front of a girl she'll break up with you" or "Guys who are too feminine give me the ick". Often some variation of "If you want a girlfriend, you have to maintain the image of a strong stoic hero, and the moment that illusion is shattered, you're fucked."
That's why, as soon as I realized what my attractions were, I immediately wrote off the possibility of ever fulfilling them because they didn't fit a patriarchal world, and I saw the idea of trying to force myself into that world as torture. I had somehow "fallen out" of gender roles and was attracted to equality instead of hierarchy. I didn't want to be "manly," I wanted to be adorable, playful, caring, and sweet, and I was attracted to those exact qualities in women. Once I developed chronic health conditions and physical limitations, the idea of me being strong and infallible became even more unattainable.
I'm interested in hearing others' experiences in navigating this. I really want to believe that equal straight relationships can be found, but I am surrounded by an information ecosystem that mostly points to their nonexistence, tainted by universal gender expectations.
Honestly, the fact that there isn't an "incel" subculture full of progressive men who gave up because their personality wasn't patriarchal enough makes me wonder if most guys with this issue: (1) don't have the self-awareness or courage to post about it, (2) enter relationships where they spend their entire lifetime in hell suppressing their personality, or (3) actually did find partners who loved them for their authentic selves, and most people have figured this out and I desperately need to touch grass.
I used to think that I had to, because I was afraid that nobody would accept me for who I was. It seems like the beliefs in my post are a last-ditch effort by my fear to hold me back ("You can't be yourself because everyone will despise you (which also means that nobody can be attracted to you) and a small subset of people will react violently while bystanders watch.")
My worldview over the past decade, the one that I'm actively trying to dismantle, has been that, despite having the right to free expression on paper (in the U.S.), we unfortunately live in an intolerant authoritarian culture that stifles that free expression through social shaming. Deviations from traditional masculinity, I believed, would lead to one being universally shunned in everyday settings, and may lead to severe social consequences. As you can imagine, it's hard to change a belief if you're too scared to challenge it (going outside, talking to people), which is why it stood for as long as it did. But now I understand that I have to challenge it because the downstream consequences are literally ruining my life.
Basically, I grew up in a right-wing echo chamber, so my brain learned to expect everyone to be intolerant of deviations from stereotypes.
If it makes you feel better, i'm a cis man who likes painting his nails and wearing skirts. I know how you must feel. I know it won't be nearly as scary when you're with someone who is supportive of you.
Funnily enough, in my case, I couldn't hide my "deviant" traits because they're written all over my demeanor. Nobody has ever seen or treated me as a manly man. Not one. My gentleness is obvious no matter how much I try to suppress myself. That means that every friend or acquaintance I have ever had liked (or at the very least tolerated) something about me that I thought would be universally shunned. Theory debunked. I just ignored the evidence.
Is deviant the right word? Also, why would you want to be treated like a manly man? I respect people who are their authentic self whether that be feminine, masculine or something else. In my case, I'm a very strange person and it seems people either love me or hate me. In any case, if we're to be damned, let us be damned for who we are. We're all gonna die anyway.