Not sure where else to post this besides here…if it’s more appropriate somewhere else, please direct me there.
31, male, virgin, autism, bipolar, socially awkward, ostracized growing up, hit with the ugly stick.
I have decided to end the search for a romantic partner in the face of 100% failure over the past decade and a half. The idea that everyone has a soulmate is bullshit, and I’m one of the ones who doesn’t. I have not found anyone who seems to want me (there was a brief LDR but she was psychotic, as I quickly found, and things ended very shortly after they began), and given my near-total lack of experience I don’t see any point in making any further efforts.
I cannot change how anyone sees me nor can I compel anyone to view me in a certain light. Whatever flaws I possess in addition to those already mentioned are, apparently, deep-rooted and systemic to the point that I don’t know what I need to change about myself, nor do I think at this point that it’s even possible (or indeed worth it).
I have tried to make my peace with this. Every time I think I’ve done it, though, something comes up and I’m back to square one again. (This time around it was a random manic or mixed episode.) I am in therapy, but these matters persist in causing me negative effects on my mental and physical health. The term “touch-starved” has been applied to me, among others.
I need to put this issue to rest in order to actually move on and do things with my life. How do I subdue and get over the desire for companionship?
Mine got me through the pan. I still lost it and had to go on an antidepressant (resisted for too long; don't let denial block treatment for depression). But without them, I shudder to think how I'd have coped.
I'll share with you a lyric that I consider poetic: "Loneliness is not a phase."
I've been lonely most of my life, even when I have friends or a relationship. Some of us had hardships that builds this in. Therapy has been my saving grace. It doesn't eliminate hard aspects of life, but it can give you the tools to experience them and grow. Glad you're (OP) in it. Fwiw, I'm also bi-polar and in treatment for that. I'd give you a hug if I could.
One last thought, and I hesitate to share this. This can be taken many ways that aren't how I intend. Buddhism (which I know almost nothing about) has a simple truth that "life is suffering." I'll explain what it means to me this way:
My father knew someone who seemed to have life all figured out. Then, he read that person's memoire. The figured-out person had all the same doubts, troubles, and insecurities that my father had. That's when he realized that we're all human, we're all the same, it wasn't just him. I'm not trying to erase the aspects of your life that are specific to you. I'm suggesting that feeling bad or alone isn't something that is unique to you. There's something freeing in that realization. I wish you all the best.
Life is suffering…boy howdy how my life is suffering…