I hope you all don't mind, but it's been a rough day for me emotionally, and I feel like I need some emotional support. I don't have anyone in my life I can turn to with this, so I thought of you all.
I'm a guy, and I have/had (not sure right now) a female friend who I know likes me more than I like her; I thought I was clear with her my intentions to be friends, but I feel like I muddied the waters by being flirty and making jokes - that's on me, and I own that. Anyway, I feel like I may have scared her last night by being too honest with who I was in my past (just details about past relationships and my lack of fidelity in them). I could tell instantly that her tone changed (we were talking over text message).
She asked me again what my intentions were, and I reiterated that I wanted to be friends. She says she's good with that, but I don't know. Maybe I'm overthinking it, maybe not. But it weighs heavily on me, especially because I don't really have many people I feel like I can talk to and be open with, like I can her. So that's the first strike of my day today.
On a less dramatic scale, I overslept this morning and was late taking my kids to school. They got there, a little later than usual, but still on time, so it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be when I first woke up. I work from home, so I decided to take a nap when I got back from dropping the kids off, and again I overslept (this time for a meeting at work). I was only a few minutes late to that, but it's way out of character for me and I feel like that was strike two.
I had a doctor appointment later in the day, and there is a nurse there that I talk to (shoot the shit, as it were) and have been contemplating asking out. Nothing major really, but I don't usually ask people out while they are working. But, at the same time, I know that a) I don't see her that often, and 2) never see her outside of her work, and c) I was feeling a real connection with her. So, after a lot of internal back and forth over the past two weeks, I hyped myself up yesterday to ask her out. But after the morning I had this morning, I felt the universe was trying to warn me not to push my luck. So I had even more back and forth with myself (very draining, mind you). Ultimately, I casually asked her to a local event coming up, and she kindly and politely let me know she was already seeing someone. I wasn't surprised or put off by her response, but for some reason I'm still kicking myself. Probably along the lines of an "I told you so" to myself. I'm going to call a ball on that one, because I think I was just upset from this morning, and this was just poor timing on my part given the circumstances.
So I go home and take a nap (I do this a lot) until my kids come home. I cook them dinner, which they loved (hamburgers) and we watch some TV and play a couple games of chess. Come bed time, my youngest son throws a fit because I wanted him to keep his door partly cracked open so I could make sure he wasn't laying in bed when he should be getting ready for bed (he's 8, and bad habit of not doing what he says he's going to do, especially when he doesn't want to do it). Mind you, I could not see him change, and I only had a partial line of sight to his bed. It has to do with how the hallway is lined up with his doorway. Either way, it really hits me hard when either of my kids get upset (especially at me). Steeee-rike three.
I know that none of the above is detrimental or super big deals. Even taken together, it's just a shitty day. I think it doesn't help that I suffer from long-term depression, have treatment-resistent depression, work has been super stressful, I'm in the midst of a divorce, and like I said earlier I don't have a lot of friends I can be open with. Plus, I'm sure ITA in there somewhere. I feel like I usually am.
Anyway, if you made it this far, thank you for listening. Feel free to roast me; I probably deserve it. And I apologize for being pitiful.
It sounds like you put yourself out there a couple of times and that takes guts. Truth is, we never really know how a risk is going to go, but if we never take risks, then we don’t progress very far either. From your verbiage it seems like you have low self confidence/worth. Give yourself some credit. Take some time to write down some things about yourself that are pretty cool. You’re a parent and sounds like you care about your kid, you care enough about yourself to ask for other support, you can cook and play chess, you have a job. These are not all givens. You own those things and I’m betting much more too.
As far as the romance situation, just from my own experience, I found myself asking out women that were “convenient.” Coworkers, people from high school, etc. Once I focused more on myself and stopped caring as much for a relationship did I ironically find more options. If you get involved in things you enjoy, there will be a much greater chance of finding someone that you click with. Join a chess club, do a yoga session at a fitness place, or even try something you’ve never done before. Try a cheap introductory dance lesson.
Just my opinions, take with a grain of salt. Best of luck with everything.
I never had considered it this way before, and that makes a lot of sense. I do tend to gravitate toward the convenient women, as far as attraction goes. That shines a light on a bad habit I have of not taking (necessary) risks.