Let's get one thing out of the way: you're not guilty of anything here.

Transitioning is a choice, and it's up to each transgender person to decide when and how to do so. Some people never transition - that's perfectly valid.

What is most important is your comfort and safety, and if you don't feel ready, then it's absolutely OK to pause your transition.

I'm nearly 40, began medical transition at 37. It took me... a decade to resolve my identity. I passed through various stages. The realization of being transgender hit like a ton of bricks. Surprising, and yet not, somehow? I lived decades believing I was stuck in my body.

I will say that I have experienced tremendence progress in recent years. It took 6 months to a year of HRT before I could see "the woman in the mirror". Now I see my true self more often than not - it's a wonderful and priceless feeling. My breasts continue to grow and round out - long after I feared my transition was stalled.

However, I'm blessed with a very supportive partner and life circumstances that allow me to make such changes without worrying about family.

My body is naturally somewhat feminine. I still die inside sometimes when I see my face (beard/stubble, receded hairline, nose), hear myself speaking too deeply, or get misgendered. I'm over 6 feet tall - I stand out.

Here's where I'm at three years in:

• changed name and pronouns at work
• first time dressing authentically in public this year. Even wore a bikini at the beach!
• first electrolysis consultation next week
• first voice therapy session next week
• therapist is writing letter for surgeons
• first endo appointment last month, first real prescriptions (was DIY for 2.5 years)
• early 2024 will start getting surgeon referrals

I have only now reached a point where I'm comfortable moving forward. I also feel the pressure of my state's anti-trans politics, the longer I wait, the harder this is going to be. Indeed I feel compelled, not only to make the best decision for myself, but to face my opponents and show them I won't back down.

Is it frightening? Oh hell yes. Transitioning is terrifying, it's super difficult and expensive. Not everything that comes from that is good. I'm not going to judge anyone for stopping or delaying their transition.

If you can live as your assigned gender, and you find ways to cope, more power to you. Everyone's path is different. I do recommend a good therapist so you can discuss how you feel. IMO your relationship and your own mental health depends on it.