"SAN FRANCISCO—Speaking at a solo press conference after a carefully orchestrated diplomatic summit with the Chinese leader, President Joe Biden told reporters Wednesday that he still thought Xi Jinping was a dictator and a slut. “Look, there’s nothing that happened in this summit that changed my belief that Xi rules his country with an iron fist and has also been around the block with everyone—like, seriously, everyone,” said Biden, denouncing the general secretary of the Chinese Communist Party for his authoritarian measures toward his own citizens and claiming he heard a rumor that Xi once had to have his stomach pumped because he had swallowed over a gallon of semen. “This is not a good guy we’re talking about here, people. Also, he’s not even that hot. That’s the thing. He’s just this fugly little skank. Plus, what he’s doing to the Uyghur people is abhorrent. Almost as abhorrent as Xi blowing any and all takers.” At press time, Beijing had immediately condemned the statement, remarking that the Chinese president’s body count was, like, two at most."