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If I went with a shared service I would run it natively on Debian Stable.
Lemmy currently uses a dockerised PostgreSQL service. I've got 16 GB RAM which is currently mostly occupied by both MariaDB and the PostgreSQL Docker.
Your Postgres and/or MariaDB is probably configured to take as much RAM as it can get. It shouldn't use that much with the light workloads you're likely to have.
Have you tried limiting the RAM usage of those containers? They tend to use as much as you give them, which is all of it by default.
That was more or less the default of the PostgreSQL container and it ran like ass because I don't have a SSD.
Basically I had to give MySQL a ton of RAM for Nextcloud and PostgreSQL for Lemmy. For now I've put both on the same PostgreSQL instance and let them battle out who gets the assigned RAM by themselves.