I empathize with you so much I wish I could just give you a hug. For real.

It's the state religion of "total work." Most of us are kept on such a short leash with such exhausting drudgery and with the background of every waking moment shouting about how our situation will destabilize at any moment, so we have to deliver more "value" lest we get left behind to die.

So we start weighing every single thing in the languages of currency, and business, and "return on investment." The final and often terminal corpo-brain-rot stage is when we convince ourselves we actually like this state of being.

Anymore, people can't just do, or be, everything has to be a "side hustle" or "monetizable". It somehow paywalls the arts or hobbies into being something pursuable only if you've got limitless energy or are born into an environment that fosters it.

I dunno what the answer is...my therapist kept trying to convince me to set aside a block of time that I respect for things like this. I still want to do that, but I'm in this community for a reason LMAO.

But every act of creation for its own sake is an act of rebellion against being turned into a commoditized consumer-laborer. An act of humanity.

It sounds so backwards, but maybe try to join a group or other kind of "accountability" friends that will hold you to doing this thing you actually enjoy. It might be really hard to break out of this perverse culture, but you might even find more energy if you allow your inner child to play once in a while. :)

Whatever it is that your soul lights up for, I'm praying you find a way to pursue it. We don't get a second chance. <3