6
you are viewing a single comment's thread
view the rest of the comments
view the rest of the comments
this post was submitted on 23 Jun 2024
6 points (53.4% liked)
Asklemmy
43865 readers
1522 users here now
A loosely moderated place to ask open-ended questions
Search asklemmy ๐
If your post meets the following criteria, it's welcome here!
- Open-ended question
- Not offensive: at this point, we do not have the bandwidth to moderate overtly political discussions. Assume best intent and be excellent to each other.
- Not regarding using or support for Lemmy: context, see the list of support communities and tools for finding communities below
- Not ad nauseam inducing: please make sure it is a question that would be new to most members
- An actual topic of discussion
Looking for support?
Looking for a community?
- Lemmyverse: community search
- sub.rehab: maps old subreddits to fediverse options, marks official as such
- !lemmy411@lemmy.ca: a community for finding communities
~Icon~ ~by~ ~@Double_A@discuss.tchncs.de~
founded 5 years ago
MODERATORS
You say you don't like anything or give up on everything, but what does that look like? I assume that you don't spend 8+ hours every day staring at a blank wall. You must do something to fill your time.
But if you are truly finding it difficult/impossible to be interested in the world around you, then your issue isn't that you don't have a girlfriend my dude. It sounds like you're suffering from pretty severe depression.
And I hate to break it to you, but untreated mental illness is definitely a mood killer, and not just with the ladies. You're gonna need to get yourself into a better place, or you're gonna drive more than just romantic partners away.
But I'll tell you, you're awfully fatalistic for 35. Women tend to pretty holistically prefer guys in the 33-40 bracket. You're not past your prime in the slightest. A little self confidence and a little investment in the world around you, and I think you'll find that you will attract people no problem.
And hey, maybe I'm wildly off base. I know I'm making a lot of assumptions based off a very small paragraph. And maybe I'm reading you super wrong. If so, I apologize.
One thing to keep in mind though. The idea of a relationship and sex you have in your head? That's a fantasy. Both are great things certainly, but when I was younger I feel like I built them up to be something deifying in my head. That once I had them, all my greatest desires would be met, and that life would be finally "complete" for me.
Understand that relationships are work. Fulfilling work, but work nonetheless. They require just as much "sticking to it" as any hobby that you haven't stuck with, if not substantially more. And let me tell you, you're absolutely not going to want to do it all the time. It requires a lot of dedication and perseverance.
And don't build up sex to something more than it is. Its great, certainly, but I promise you're putting it on a higher pedestal in your head than it deserves.
But all that to say, right now, you're in love with the idea of a relationship, not the reality of one. I'm confident that you'd find the reality to not be what you've dreamed of it. And the problems and struggles you have in your life are rarely made easier by adding more work and responsibilities.
Take care of yourself and get to a point where you love yourself and the world around you as it is, and I think you'll find that the rest of this will kind of take care of itself.
YouTube. Here. Videogames
I'm well aware relationship are work. But are also benefits. That's why I'm saying I'm not adult enough or reliable. And that isn't going to change, especially since that's the way i am. I know it's a turn off but what I'm supposed to do? Fake myself? Being social and having an interesting life ISN'T me.
Do you do those things because you truly get enjoyment out of them, or are they simply your drug of choice to help you cope through to the next day?
Those are all things that can be enjoyed in a healthy way certainly, but if it's just "wake up, work, binge internet, sleep," every day, then I'm afraid you have a problem. Maybe not a full blown addiction, but at least an extremely unhealthy coping mechanism for some deeper underlying issues.
This is something that you can work on though. Ideally with the help of a professional therapist who can help you identify why you feel the need to cope in this way and help you start breaking those destructive patterns in your life.
There's a principle in alcoholics support groups called "fake it til you make it".
Fake is a sort of meaningless word. You are the sum of your own choices, throughout your life. There is no such thing as some sort of "true" you that is inherent and unchangeable, all of your attitudes, emotions, likes/dislikes are like clothes you wear. They can be changed with a pattern of choices that fall under your overarching will.
It's not easy, though, not by a long shot. So, one technique is to fake it til you make it. Pretend at first, fake whatever trait you are trying to establish. You'll find over time your willpower turns that into the new "true you". You can change various aspects of yourself, it's all under your power.
It's a hell of a steep hill to climb alone though, so you might want some help along the way. Addiction support groups serve this purpose for people trying to get past their addictions. You might need some pharmaceutical assistance though, if you have a chronic problem, so a doctor might be a wise move.