Edit:

Hey, let me say first off I’m probably talking to you all wrong. You’re an adult, and I’m in the “talk to my kid” mindset with this. I apologize for being crass. Shit isn’t easy, I agree, I have been where you are and you’re not alone. You aren’t. Don’t lean into the anger and envy and darker tendencies humans have in these scenarios.

Especially when you choose to not have one.

I assure you even at the bottom of my deepest darkest depression, after 2 COVID deaths and suddenly finding myself a single father left alone with my son … I still CHOSE the isolation route.

It wasn’t the depression and everything else choosing, it was me acquiescing to the sweet sad embrace of it. It was cathartic but it was also drowning.

I don’t mean this to minimize, it is crippling and debilitating but it is still our choice. When you’re failing to choose to get up remember the choice is still yours and turn that into power for the next time.

Take a chance. The worst case scenario is you stop doing the thing you weren’t doing already.

Life is absurd, make your own meaning and your own purpose.

Sounds like you want to never have one. That's a self-fulfilling prophecy. You have convinced yourself so hard that this is who you are, that you are making that who you are.

If you don't want to be this person, don't be that person.