Yesterday was the first time in my life I came close to self-harm. I bought some bralettes and gaffs to, I don't even know, try to look more feminine I guess? But I tried them on and I looked, for lack of a better description, breathtakingly revolting. So bad I think I must have disassociated for about fifteen minutes, no thoughts no emotions, just pulling them off me like live snakes. Then I had a breakdown.

I had to fight the urge all day yesterday and today to delete this account, and my matrix account, and discord, and any other account I could remember, fight the urge to isolate myself from everyone and everything so I would never have to be perceived by anyone ever again.

I learned that you can just buy whole boobs to stuff in the bra not just the little cutlets so that is awesome.

I haven't started taking the E yet, but i swear my face is already looking more feminine since i came out and my partner said they think so as well, that i'm already carrying myself more feminine so that made me quite pleased.

I am struggling with having very very sensitive skin and wanting to shave my face daily and also wanting to wear makeup. The shaving alone my face can handle but as soon as i put any products even 'sensitive' and fancy 'safe' cleaners and lotions on my skin it gets irritated and angry. Going to try 'oil cleanser' today and see if that works any better.

I like being a girl so much and i love you all for being supportive and helping me be my true happy self ❤️

I'm out of E today. My next appointment is in three days. This is the first time I've been without it since I started and I'm a little scared about how it's gonna feel, but I'll make it. After all, I made it this far... Just gotta make sure I don't bite the heads off my coworkers.

deleted my decade-old tumblr account a week ago today because i'm so fucking tired of the aggressive culture there, found out i owe seven months of backpay to my out-of-state storage unit trying to find out if i could transfer the unit to my sister so she can take care of the bill (or at least take everything out), had a rough therapy session (that capped off nicely with her asking my name and pronouns as i came out to her the week before), and uhhh, iunno.

yesterday's stardew session with my fandom group wasn't fun mainly due to how short it was and we were down one. i've been missing having talks with these folks but everyone's too busy anymore. i gotta get out of this damn house but it's the fucking surface of venus outside (hyperbole).

:D

It's been a week that's for sure

Tired. US politics/news are emotionally and mentally draining and depressing. I can't really ignore it because they employ my ass, and apparently, there's now a shitlist being built to target federal employees considered "hostile" to Orange Julius. That list definitely won't be correlated with voter registration (which includes name, address, and potentialy party affiliation, and is publicly available if you have the persons full name).