I grew up having no idea I had ADHD (probably on the spectrum too, given that my kids both have it and ADHD and autism are almost like smoke and fire), and instead just had no idea what was wrong with me. Because that's the support I got, being repeatedly asked "what's wrong with you?" for thirty years.
That's messed up.
My GI for irritable bowel disease (IBD) noticed my ADHD and likely my autism before my psychiatrist. Note: IBD is a lot more common with autistic people, so they likely see autism and ADHD pretty often. Anyway, he told me to tell my psychiatrist about my attention issues. I tell my psychiatrist that, "My GI told me to tell you that I have attention issues." I swear to anything, that psych looked away from his computer and at me, then said exactly, "I'm not going to prescribe you any stimulants." That was my ADHD assessment. 7 years later, I pay for a private autism and ADHD assessment, and the results were clear: AuDHD.
I'm happy we have communities like this one where we can come together, validate each other, and figure out ways to navigate the system. We've been bullied enough.
I got stimulants from my PCP. Pro tip: go for old, nearly retired doctors. For the most part, they don't have debt to pay off, cars to buy, or chicks to impress, they're just there to do good medicine. I've had a lot of luck with finding doctors who listen and give a shit in old docs.
This is weirdly common, from what I've heard. You'd think it would be obvious that a disorder (or neurotype, or whatever you call autism) requires accommodation, which requires self-advocacy, which requires being allowed to know what's going on with you.
I was just always told "stop that or people will think something's wrong with you"
Yup. My parents weren't willing to even think about testing me, so it was "stop that, just be normal".
I just had a realization. In early childhood children with autism are usually more expressive, but frequently get told behavior, conversation topics and mannerisms are bad, weird or wrong.
In adulthood the stereotype for autism is being uptight, anxious and reserved people who only open up when it is about a major interest.
Well is this even an autism problem or the result of years of being told everything we say and do is wrong? Of course people would be introverted and anxious.
I've thought about this too! How much of our traits are the actual autism, and how much of our traits are a result of abuse and marginalization?
I wasn't always afraid of meeting new people, but after enough bullying and being taken advantage of, I learned to not trust my ability to judge others unless I've known them for a longgg time. So, please excuse me if I'm not excited to meet you, but I don't know if you're going to be an asshole or not yet, and I'm not going to be insincere about it.
My therapist pointed out that a lot of autistic traits are extremely similar to trauma expression, and that it's often hard to judge which is which.
I feel like I'm an oddball because I tend to trust people until they give me a reason but to. That's led to some bad experiences, but it also gives my "this person is doing shady stuff" sense a boost. It's not insincere, but neither is waiting to judge :)
I can actually use some perspective on this. I am autistic, my partners autistic.. our 3yo has all the signs of being the same. But there aren’t any problems so far and we wouldn’t hide the fact. But i believe people should be themselves and children still have a pure chance on discovering themselves, i dont want to confuse that with a label.
I agree with you and am happy for all three of you guys! You and your partner found each other, and your kid has loving and caring parents.
In retrospect, I think my life would have been much easier and happier if my parents would have told me about my differences early on, while still withholding the diagnosis until I was probably in high school, which I'm assuming is when I would feel comfortable with my differences and needed a name for it.
As for the differences, it would have helped to compare me to my mother's style of perceiving and thinking, highlight my strengths and weaknesses in relation to other kids, and then use my strengths to help with confidence and tackle deficiencies stemming from my weaknesses. There would be no shaming, but honest acknowledgement, appreciation, and helpful guidance to make me better prepared for independence and navigating the world autistically.
I hope that helps! Is there anything else you would like someone's perspective on, elaboration or discussion?
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I half suspect this is what my parents did. I vaguely remember going to therapy as a child, but I do not know the results of that, or even why I was there but having gotten a diagnosis of ADHD and BPD with a strong suggestion to see specialist for autism, I've kinda wondered about those memories and if my parents knew all along and just didn't tell me.
My aunt was a teacher and she was always bringing up autism & ADHD stuff with my mom, with me in earshot. Mom would get mad and dismiss everything and then rant about how I didn't need to get labelled for the rest of my lives. I couldn't really interact with kids my own age, hated high-pitched loud noises and bright lights, spent a long time learning how to do everything (but knew it inside-out once I did), had a ton of gastro-intestinal issues, and got constantly berated by my mom for info-dumping ("why aren't you this excited about our lord and savior?") If I had a word cloud of everything my dad said to me as a kid, "WHY ARE YOU SO SLOW" would be in the biggest set of words. Mom homeschooled me as well, so I never got feedback from teachers or professionals.
I can think of at least three times in my teens/adult years where I flat-out told my mom "there's something wrong with me. Maybe I need to take medication? Or maybe talk to someone?" and she always just suggested we ask god for help. Then dad would take the phone and start praying. Every single time.
I graduated with straight As in CS (and a low A in engineering), and brute-forced my way through learning socialization and culture. On the outside I'm a success story, but I mostly got there by hurting myself. I was always the golden child who could do no wrong and the disappointment that obviously didn't want to do the right thing. Well, I still am, but I'm in a much better space mentally. I'm married and have a daughter who is at least as weird as I was at that age. I really hope I can be kinder to her than my parents were to me.
Your mom sounds difficult to talk to. However, it also sounds like your daughter is lucky to have you 🙂
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