I’m sorry to hear you’re struggling, it does sound quite similar to my transition process. I was told that the dysphoria often gets worse before it gets better and that’s what I found. But it did get better.

I also had those same doubts, at each stage, be it my initial appointments, getting HRT, taking HRT, booking SRS, getting SRS etc. I can’t obviously tell you if you’re right or wrong to transition, that’s your own journey, but for me each step was plagued with doubts, but I don’t regret things at all and I’m much happier now.

I think the doubts are perfectly normal, you are doing something big, that, in the case of medical transition, has lasting effects on your body. It’s natural to have doubts about that. I do think that you’re correct, a cis person wouldn’t even have a moments hesitation about declining HRT, it’s not something they’d even consider.

I will say that if you’re getting euphoria over the thought of taking HRT then it’s probably a good positive indicator. If you’re not sure there are a couple of things to bear in mind, taking HRT doesn’t generally have immediate external physical effect, it takes time to grow breasts. It does tend to have a mental effect much quicker, you can try it and see how you respond to that and stop if you don’t like it before you get irreversible effects. Please note I’m not a doctor and I’m only saying this from my own experience and every individual is different.

One other thing you could try if you haven’t already is breast forms, try wearing them around the house and see if it gives you euphoria or not. Breast growth is the primary irreversible part of HRT so it’s a good litmus test I think.

Regarding your dysphoria, I got the same. Transition is a journey and unfortunately I found that the more feminine I became in my gender expression the more glaring my masculine feature stood out to me. I think that’s probably fairly common, but it does improve. Slowly my face softened, my fat redistributed, my breasts grew.

Mainly though I got more confident and accepting of myself, it’s a long journey and isn’t always easy. I’m unlikely to ever pass but I’m ok with “looking trans” now, it’s me, it’s who I am, and that’s ok. I have wonderful supportive people in my life that I’ve met since transitioning and I’m much happier now.

I hope your journey works for you, whatever you decide.

I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling, but remember that to transition is a huge step and it's very common for people to have some doubts along the way.

As you say, I think it's unlikely that a cis person would accept hormones if they were offered freely, let alone take the steps to acquire them. I certainly don't think that a cis person would feel euphoric about being given the option.

But if you do start taking hormones and find that you don't like the effects, it's okay to just stop. It's rare, but I've known people to start and shortly thereafter stop because they didn't vibe the early mental or later physical changes. Nobody worth your time will judge you for it.

Whichever decision you make, I hope that you find happiness and freedom from anxiety!

try it out, see how you feel about it, go from there

I'm in a similar position, I was pretty repressed and then figured out everything at once and started hormones ~1 month or so after that. I still get nervous sometimes, but as other members have pointed out you totally can just stop if you want. It's important to be in touch with how you're feeling about the changes, particularly early, but it's much much easier to figure out "I like this, I don't like this, I'm excited about this" vs. trying to reconstruct some kind of perfect trans narrative out of your past, and I really wish someone had told me it was cool to just do that!

Hi, I don't know you, but I do feel very proud of you for being brave enough to take the next steps in your journey of self-discovery, whatever it looks like. It took me 37 years to come to terms with myself, to accept I'm a girl. While I'm only a week in to acceptance, I get you. I look in the mirror and see some ugly guy trying to dress up as a girl, most times. I just wanna be the beautiful sexy lady I know I am inside.

I just wanna say, too, that if, at some point, you decide HRT isn't right for you, that's okay. That doesn't make you any less of the beautiful, strong young woman you know you are. And if, for some reason, you decide you are cisgendered , that's okay too. This is your journey. Don't let anyone tell you that you are doing it wrong.

Hey love take care of yourself