Does she still do this when she's the one paying the bill?

Buffet time

I feel like this is a discussion you need to actually have with her

Have you tried going for something with a tapas format where it's expected to get lots of different small dishes?

At the end of the day here's the truth of the matter. This will not change, and it will bother you for the rest of your time together. If this is actually annoying enough for you to post this here, it will only get worse over time. You're not gonna get used to it, you will likely grow to resent her for it. People don't change, not really. Decide now, this is a deal breaker or not. There's no way this behaviour doesn't bleed into other shit in your lives. Changing course this far into the game is hard, but I suspect that you already know what you wanted to hear from everyone the moment you posted this. Listen to your gut.

Have you tried communicating with her?

Y'all should just go to a buffet or all you can eat style thing. Maybe hotpot or something

What's the root concern? Cost, imbalance, or inconvenience?

• If it's cost, she can pay for herself.
• If it's imbalance, don't go 50/50. She can pay for whatever she wants.
• If it's inconvenience (takes too long to order and get food), you can order and ask for your food to be brought out when ready. Or just wait, chill out, and enjoy some time together.

You should never worry about inconvenience to the restaurant or staff. Substituting is normal. If they can't do it, they'll tell you. Otherwise they'll happily provide the food and take the money. That's the social contract.

From your description, it looks like the main issue is #1 and #2. If so, a frank conversation should fix it. It may solve the problem, or uncover larger issues and expectations you should probably handle before getting married.

I am going to parrot what others are asking - what part of this is the biggest problem? If it's the expense, show her the bill. Tell her it bothers you that you don't treat the restaurant experience the same. Ask about why she doesn't like the canned options.

But you know - I don't think she is capital W Wrong in her approach, especially if you only go out to eat rarely. If she wants a variety, could you just order a bunch of appetizers for the table and share? We usually order for the table in expensive places, not for ourselves, we go one item at a time and share it, and that's one of the best things about the fancier restaurants. Or go to an Ethiopian place, they serve everything on one big injera for both of you.

Communication is the issue here I think - does she see it as "you are taking her out and want her to go indulge herself and enjoy" because going out to eat is entertainment and you see it as "I want to go out to eat because it's convenient and you are taking away the one benefit of going out to eat". And you are going to have to manage those competing desires in some way. I don't think it needs to be crazy expensive if that's what's bothering you.

How do you cook and eat at home? I really like to cook and can make food as good as we get when we go out, but if I want convenience my husband gets us takeout from somewhere. A restaurant is more for the experience not just the food.

Start splitting the bill so you each only pay for what you're eating yourselves. Jesus, man, the pussy can't be THAT good.

Maybe it would help if you had a heart-to-heart about why this is bothering you and (together) make a plan to tackle this. From your description, it seems like the occasional margarita is not really the issue but it's the inconvenience to the staff, the embarrassment to you, and the costs that come with the dishes she orders. It might help to look at the menu online beforehand and decide on what you're getting in advance. You could even pick out two dishes together, and you could share a few bites, if you're okay with that. Her behavior seems to be at least a little compulsive, which is hard to get rid of but can be overcome with some practice.

... As an addendum to a comment I made somewhere else on this:

Abso-fucking-loutely do not show her this post to prove a point! You won't be able to explain the context no matter how hard you try.

But, if you are looking to end the relationship with a quickness by all means, YOLO this shit. Get some video if you can anonymize it somehow.

We are just rando internet idiots. Don't be taking advice from us, if that was the intention. We are just here for the validation of your bias and some magic internet points.

I hate bothering the chefs by asking them to remove things from menu items. I'd rather eat something I don't want than do it.

This would be hell to me.

Maybe she'd like a buffet where she can make her own plate. There are so many types of places that specifically do custom orders like sandwich shops and bakeries, along with pizza, buffets, and lots of cultural food types (Asian, Mexican, Italian, etc). Maybe try those options.

To a lesser extent, it is worth noting that some people like being ordered for. It would be wise to ask if that would work for her before attempting it, though.

Jesus.

Get out now, dude.

Do they at least acknowledge that they have problems with decision paralysis?

Ever tried checking the menu online before going out, and saying you can only go out if your partner picks a single item in advance? Not sure if that would help, though. This sounds like a very difficult situation. Good luck.

Attempt to talk about this like you are normal humans. If she listens to you and cares about your feelings, talking about problems matters.

If that doesn't work and you still really like the girl, refuse to take her out to a real restaurant again. Costco hotdogs only after that, period. She can customize the fuck out of as much ketchup and mustard as she wants.

Going out to a really good restaurant should be as much of an atmosphere experience as it is an experience with the food. A bad atmosphere will ruin the food for me and the atmosphere includes the people I am with.

Part of a healthy dining experience is being aware of the people I am with and making sure I am not fucking with their experience. It's a mutual effort.

When I am able, I will pay through the teeth for a perfect dining experience and it's super rare and super valuable to me. Day to day? A pickle wrapped in a slice of ham could work fine for a quick meal. Whatever. Even if your budget is less than $100, there is no reason that shouldn't be an emotional experience as well. (Everything is relative, is my point.)

Is she odd with food in general? Or just at restaurants?

Where are you going where an entree and water costs 10.99?

Is what bothers you about it that she is creating a significant expense you have to deal with, or something else? If it's not the something else, seems like a simple solution would be to just ask her to split the bill so she can be responsible for her expensive preferences. If it is the something else, why is it a problem?

Doors she do better if she can see the menu before getting to the restaurant?

If you want my advice, you didn’t really ask for it per se : one get a relationship counselor now. Number two get a financial advisor now.

Both of you need to be going to both of them. This is going to become a problem.

She might be excellent in all of the regards as you said in a comment already. But this is going to become an issue when your bill $10 and hers is 80 and she won’t stop doing it. This sort of situation doesn’t get better. It tends to get worse. It starts with the food and it goes from there.

Because even if you’re only going out once or twice a year newsflash my friend once you’re married, she’s going to be going out with her friends and that bill is going to get big and it’s gonna get big really really fast.

So I would say marriage/relationship counselor, and financial advisor.

At that point, order for her and see what happens.

Is it possible she now feels like, "well we only go out like twice a year, this is a special treat, and I want to get exactly what I want!" (Mostly) Joking on that.

My only suggestion (that you didn't ask for) is that if she can't decide between a burger and tenders, maybe you get the burger and agree to split it with her getting the tenders. My husband and I do this (he doesn't love it so we don't do it often) but my sister and I always do it, that way we can get something healthy AND something indulgent

Do you have separate accounts? If she pays for her own meal with her own money, nbd. But I’m guessing since you’re planning a future together you’ll also be commingling your finances at some point (if you haven’t already), and with this in mind I urge you to have regular financial planning and check-in sessions with each other to mitigate frustrations over different spending habits.

I didn’t have parents who were great with money, and I don’t naturally have a great head for numbers, so when I got married I had a lot of learning to do. My husband is the complete opposite and stays on top of things much more than I do, but financial spending, saving, and planning are important to be on the same page about. Personally, if I know we’re saving money for a particular project or trip or something, I make much better choices in the moment.

In your specific situation, my advice would be to agree on an amount you want to spend on the outing beforehand so you’re on the same page. This still gives her the option to modify her order to her tastes, she just has parameters to work within. If she completely disregards that agreement, you can always step it up old school with the money-in-an-envelope method, where you can’t fall back on a debit or credit card if you “accidentally” go over (although if I were in your shoes going this route, I’d stash a card on me for emergencies, but make her sweat just enough she feels the burn of her mistake).

Just choose better restaurants that facilitate this type of ordering. You'll both be better off.

lol was that the chilis the three for me for $10.99? Literally when I got to chilis, I’ll get that $11 three for me, and my partner orders the salmon for like twice my meal. Very frustrating, but your situation is on another level... I have no advice other than don’t go through with the marriage if this is one of many, many things she does to induce “gritting of teeth.” Hopefully this is her like one quirk or something…

Make her pay for her shit.

I can't afford to eat at places that use words like la carte and entree so not entirely what help I could be here. But I don't really see a problem in doing other things instead. I know I wish our friends would. Even cheaper places still feel pretty expensive and the food is something I could make for no effort at home by just chucking a packet into the oven.