I don't generally consider my life to have been bad, but there are certain things that I am unable to let go of that have left a mark on me. No matter how hard I try, and because of the way I am, I don't want to see a psychologist or talk to anyone about it. I just keep it to myself, and to be honest, I'm embarrassed to even write about it here and I have always been an introverted person who finds it difficult to make friends.
About five years ago, when my life was at its worst and I was seriously considering suicide, I took refuge in the internet. I didn't go out, I didn't see my family, I was really depressed, but one random day I decided to download an app to talk to people about the things you like, so I decided to take the plunge even though it's not my thing, and I downloaded it and signed up. The first few days I had zero interactions, and it really just made me feel even worse because I didn't know how to interact. I was embarrassed, so the few times I tried and no one paid attention to me, I felt even more depressed because, as I saw it at the time, no one wanted to talk to me. But just before I decided to uninstall the app, this person came along and started talking to me, joking around, inviting me to be more social. At first I was cautious, but then I realized that they were just someone who wanted to be my friend, who noticed that I was depressed and wanted to help me.
We became best friends, and we talked every day. They were the person I used to seek out to tell things to and vent to if something happened to me. The relationship kept getting better and better, and even though we never really met (we live in different countries), I decided that I wanted us to be a couple and get to know each other.
But then, after three or four years of being together, I felt (stupidly) that this person no longer spoke to me with the same interest, that they were no longer as interested in me, so I bothered them about it, feeling bad for having done something wrong and worsened the relationship. To be honest, I said more than one thing that I regret, and although that person told me on more than one occasion that I hadn't done anything wrong, I feel like they were lying so I wouldn't feel bad. I sincerely believe that the things I said made them lose confidence in me and push me away, so yes, in the very attempt to keep them from pushing me away (which probably never happened in the first place, but I was so afraid of losing that person that I ironically caused them to leave me).
At the end of 2023, my father died, and then at the end of last year, that person simply sent me one last message (after my messages complaining that they didn't talk to me much) with something like “I'm sorry,” and since that day, they haven't written to me again and deleted all the accounts we used to keep in touch. I've tried to contact them by every means possible, and there has been no response...
Honestly, I feel like shit because I don't know what happened. There wasn't even a goodbye or anything else. I would have appreciated at least an explanation or having discussed it beforehand to avoid it. I don't even know if that person is still alive and although I've been able to cope with it for almost a year now, ever since then, every time I remember that person, I feel incredibly depressed, to the point where I feel like I'm going to end up killing myself. It's the feeling that I ruined the best relationship I ever had in my life.
Since then, I have done nothing but torment myself and neglect my entire life, and to be honest, at this point in my life, I feel powerless. I am someone who voluntarily helps stray cats, and every damn week I have to deal with the death of kittens or cats. Not long ago, one of my cats died of an illness that, at least in my country, has no treatment, and I didn't have the resources to take him somewhere else to be treated... so that's it, I'm just tired of life itself at this point.
Thank you for reading this far. I apologize if the post has some grammatical errors or if there are things that don't make sense, but English is not my native language, so I used a translator and I don't have the energy to check it.
Thank you to anyone who writes a message of support. It's very difficult for me to respond, but I will read every message.