WomensStuff

I worked in a really toxic workplace a few years ago. It was very dog eat dog, and the manager was a bully. It forever changed how I see work and colleagues, and made me colder, harder and distrustful

I've been made colder by all the anxiety and self hatred from being trans, and from not nice parents I couldn't trust. Being bullied in elementary school by what used to be my closest friends also has made me struggle to reach out to people.

I rediscovered some warmth when I got on E, and being able to be myself all the time helps. Talking to people online has helped a lot too. Still, some wounds remain and I am still working on opening up.

Politically it's hard to describe all the details without ranting for too long, but it's hard to have patience for people when I know their stance is based solely on propaganda and feelings. I've been a dumb ignorant teen, and unfortunately it seems some people don't grow out of that phase.

I've learnt to have some patience and not let polarization get the best of me, but I still sometimes happens when it's something I care about or if I'm already in a bad place. There's no real value in attacking someone who holds harmful opinions. Doesn't change them or make the world better in any way.

I do wish I had friends I could hug and talk about the stuff I struggle to bring up. I have some close guy friends but it's just not enough really.

Softer: When I took a break from marketing to teach for 16 years. As much as I make jokes about students growing on you like warts, it was absolutely a joy to watch things like the slow but steady development of knowledge and confidence, not to mention those "AHA!" moments you can see in their eyes when something finally clicks.

Colder: Specifically toward the west. Despite having come to China as a complete banana, I find myself increasingly alienated at western parochialism and it superiority complex. The big trigger for this was COVID-19 where the west—EVERYWHERE in the west!—handled it miserably while China, Korea, Japan, Taiwan, Vietnam, etc. did things remarkably well. Yet everybody in the west was talking up Germany or Sweden or whatnot for having handled COVID-19 well despite them being one to two orders of magnitude WORSE in outcomes than the nations I mentioned. That was when I decided to stop giving a shit about people dying of COVID-19 in the west and this has extended, too, to the current political crises popping up all over as fascists are once again rearing their ugly heads and making grabs for power.

TL:DR: Support your local animal shelters.

There are so many things that made me colder, so I'll focus on soft.

Soft like my cat.

I got a void at the start of covid when the local shelter put out a mayday for animal adoption, since no one knew how things were going to play out. I picked her from the website without knowing much about her, personality wise.

Except that she was at the shelter longer than any other cat, and they called her "Sassy"— shelter-speak for "a personality disorder with fangs and claws."

First vet visit: She needed 2K+ worth of tests and treatments. It wasn't out of my wheelhouse, but it was the worst time right after the costs of getting a cat.

But I've had a lot of pets, and it sounded like a food allergy.

What's in most pet foods? Chicken. What's one of the most prevalent allergies in cats? Chicken.

The vet gave me the OK to try an exclusion diet.

After a month, her fur was thicker, her stomach wasn't swollen, and she was still a huge bitch.

So I got a clicker for some enrichment time. You can't be an asshole to someone who stimulates your brain and spends time with you and gives you treats, right? Wrong. But she learned some tricks because she's smart and evil.

I seriously considered giving her back. It was bad. I had scars. I paid a vet bill for another cat when she escaped (the cat was fine.)

But there's this other thing— I was a giant asshole growing up. My home life was shit and I had a lot of undiagnosed problems. I thought of this cat in constant pain, in a shelter, for more than a year. Instead of giving up, I gave her positive reinforcement, I built a giant catio, taught her to walk on a leash, and set consistent rules and expectations. We ate at the same time, on a schedule, because I read it helps build bonds. Even had our morning shit at the same time, which I didn't expect, it just kinda happened. Honestly? Kinda nice to have a poop buddy.

After a year she was still more of a bad roommate than a pet, but better. Every year's seen improvement, since.

She has moments, but I know how to deal it. Problems like that don't go away, because mine never did, not entirely. It doesn't mean I should give up trying, year after year. She even puts herself in time-out now when she gets over-stimulated. And almost made a cat friend, but I think they had a disagreement because she chased him out of the yard the other day. Doesn't matter.

Point of this long-ass post is: stubbornly trying to fix this jackass of a cat helped me understand and forgive myself. Still love her.