The Onion

(Washington DC) As the US Government shuts down and coverage of the Epstein Files drops to a trickle, the white house announced another bombshell, saying that the US Special Forces will be replaced by artificial intelligence by midyear 2026. The announcement was made in Friday’s press briefing by press secretary Karoline Leavitt.

“Too long have we relied on human beings to rid America of its most dangerous foes,” said Leavitt at the briefing. “The president and war secretary have determined that a combination of AI and drone technology will provide a more intelligent and more loyal strike force for our country’s needs.”

When asked whether special forces soldiers would be absorbed into the existing military structure, Leavitt responded, “the president said to remind them that ICE is hiring.”

The US Special Forces has a proud tradition of serving the United States since 1942, and have provided specialty operations for the military, varying from special reconnaissance to the killing of Osama bin Laden in 2011.

Not all Americans agree with the change. Leo Sturbgetter, a rural Kansas cow detangler and decorated Delta Force veteran, said “I agree with the president on so much, I can’t believe he’d do something to hurt people that voted for him.”