I don’t care what your fucking fairy tale book says

Purple? Did you misspell lavender?

I can’t stress how important this is: babysitting does not, in fact, involve sitting on baby.

Has Musk ever denied hiding the body of a murdered prostitute in the spacesuit that’s in the car he shot into space?

Monkees must dance! If monkee die, we has sad. But next weekend, monkees must dance again!

They really are disgusting aren’t they

Took me a minute that he wasn’t talking about an actor pretending to be dead, so I was confused at first.

They probably just need a drink. Offer them a Molotov Cocktail.

Zeno. The name is Zeno.

Keep in mind that “and benefits” is doing so much work here, it should get its own union rep.

I’m trying to picture wearing a sock on one foot, and underwear on the other…

Ask them for their social security number, mother’s maiden name, favorite pet, favorite teacher, high school mascot. It should start to dawn on them