One side will make you grow taller, and the other side will make you grow shorter.

What's the SCP number for this abomination

Not a lawyer, but I would assume that reckless driving would apply here. If nothing else, he should be liable for the damages financially due to negligence

Granted, cats now weigh thousands of pounds.

Ngl, that actually sounds pretty good

I thought we were about to break out into a verse of "We Didn't Start the Fire"

Sheriff Lamb, a frequent guest on the right-wing media circle and harsh critic of the Biden administration’s border policies, gave the only conceivable answer: “Look, it gets dark every night.” 

I don't know your specifics, but implementing adequate security and being mildly infuriating often go hand in hand by necessity.

Spspspsp?

I wanted this for my dog, but instead she chewed the toy into nothing but a scrap of cloth that eventually disappeared

Looks like a unix timestamp

That's nothing, once I went through the desert on a horse with no name.