I've been reading the book Come As You Are, and I really recommend it. The author explains that there are really two systems at work in sexual desire, essentially the accelerator and the brake. Things like seeing someone who is physically attractive, reading erotic fiction, or a nice, romantic dinner might press the accelerator, while performance anxiety, feeling like you or your partner needs a shower, feeling unsafe, etc. might press on the brake.
Furthermore, different people's accelerator and brake respond to different stimuli, and they respond with different sensitivity. So some people respond more strongly to brakes than accelerator, some respond more strongly to accelerator than brakes, and lots of people (about half) are somewhere close to the middle on both.
I personally have an accelerator a good bit more sensitive than my brakes, which sometimes makes me feel like my sex drive is careening out of control. My partner, comparatively, has more sensitive brakes, and their experience is often that they WANT to be aroused but aren't.
For me, just having a clearer picture of what is going on is empowering. I'm looking forward to reading more of the book, but it's already helped me understand that I'm not broken for wanting "too much" sex, and my partner's lack of arousal isn't because they aren't attracted to me.
It's fine for you to conform and set those goals for yourself, but please don't put that on others. Not passing doesn't make a person nonbinary.