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RFK Jr. Mandates All Americans Drink Mysterious Glowing Liquid (theonion.com)

submitted 3 days ago by ZeroCool@lemmy.ca to c/theonion@midwest.social

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[–] MehBlah@lemmy.world 37 points 3 days ago* (last edited 3 days ago) (3 children)

These are no fun anymore considering how plausible they are.

[–] Glitterbomb@lemmy.world 15 points 3 days ago (2 children)

The word mysterious ruins it for me. They always know damn well what it is. They will chug pesticide knowing full well its pesticide because these clowns told them to do it

[–] errer@lemmy.world 7 points 3 days ago (1 children)

I mean if you swapped RFK Jr for Rick Perry you’d have a pretty accurate headline with no satire: https://www.nytimes.com/2025/08/11/us/politics/rick-perry-drug-psychedelics-ibogaine.html?unlocked_article_code=1.dk8.cpUf.XotB3zHLKRkD&referringSource=articleShare (gift link)

Mr. Perry’s hallucinations, induced by the powerful psychotropic drug ibogaine he had taken about 45 minutes before putting on his eye mask, continued for more than 12 hours. The experience was an ordeal. He vomited intermittently and lost much of his body coordination. It took all of Wednesday to recover.

[–] HeyThisIsntTheYMCA@lemmy.world 2 points 3 days ago* (last edited 3 days ago)

And he was in charge of the nukes? No joking?

Oh Mr bones, I would like off now

[–] tal@lemmy.today 2 points 3 days ago (2 children)

Pesticide can have no effect on humans. In fact, it's generally a desirable attribute of pesticide to not affect humans, to be a poison that only affects the target.

https://gizmodo.com/these-people-took-ddt-pills-in-the-1970s-to-prove-it-wa-1678385578

These People Took DDT Pills In the 1970s to Prove it Was Safe

In 1971 two people in North Hollywood started eating DDT pills every day. That’s right, they willingly swallowed 10mg of poison every single day for three months. In front of witnesses.

[–] Glitterbomb@lemmy.world 8 points 3 days ago* (last edited 3 days ago) (1 children)

That's great it still doesn't cure cancer or whatever mr brain worm is saying that week.

[–] tal@lemmy.today 3 points 3 days ago

Fair enough.

[–] too_high_for_this@sh.itjust.works 1 points 3 days ago

That doesn't mean anything. You can swallow 10mg of cyanide and not feel anything. I still don't want it sprayed everywhere.

[–] brem@sh.itjust.works 4 points 3 days ago* (last edited 3 days ago)

For real. It's much more strange that he hauled a whale head down the interstate until it fell off the vehicle...or the dumping of a bear in central park...or the very real brain worms.

Mostly, though .. his ~~lack of knowledge~~ opulent ambiguity towards medical science; considering his position.

[–] CeruleanRuin 3 points 3 days ago* (last edited 3 days ago)

I used to be able to spot Onion headlines on sight. Now I have to check, every time.