Not sure where else to post this besides here…if it’s more appropriate somewhere else, please direct me there.
31, male, virgin, autism, bipolar, socially awkward, ostracized growing up, hit with the ugly stick.
I have decided to end the search for a romantic partner in the face of 100% failure over the past decade and a half. The idea that everyone has a soulmate is bullshit, and I’m one of the ones who doesn’t. I have not found anyone who seems to want me (there was a brief LDR but she was psychotic, as I quickly found, and things ended very shortly after they began), and given my near-total lack of experience I don’t see any point in making any further efforts.
I cannot change how anyone sees me nor can I compel anyone to view me in a certain light. Whatever flaws I possess in addition to those already mentioned are, apparently, deep-rooted and systemic to the point that I don’t know what I need to change about myself, nor do I think at this point that it’s even possible (or indeed worth it).
I have tried to make my peace with this. Every time I think I’ve done it, though, something comes up and I’m back to square one again. (This time around it was a random manic or mixed episode.) I am in therapy, but these matters persist in causing me negative effects on my mental and physical health. The term “touch-starved” has been applied to me, among others.
I need to put this issue to rest in order to actually move on and do things with my life. How do I subdue and get over the desire for companionship?
You’ll be like that for a while. I think we all have some kind of longing for a deeper connection, but also know it’s not necessarily in the cards.
It’s been 3 years since I stopped looking, and while I was in a LTR before that, by the end I had realized I wasn’t the partner anyone deserved to be stuck with, a sentiment that was echoed by my partner at the time. (And was well deserved, I was/am an ass)
Eventually some of the pain fades and you can enjoy being alone, but it’s not easy, and certainly isn’t fun.
I’ve found hobbies that I can enjoy by myself and that’s been pretty much it. Being ok with going out alone is another hard one to get over, which I’m still working on.
I think the hard truth is it doesn’t get easier, it just bothers you a little less as time goes on. There’s something peaceful about living life entirely on your own terms with no responsibilities to anyone else. No need to consider a potential partner when doing activities, all of your space is your own and a bunch of other small things that I realize now I wouldn’t want to give up for a relationship.
This really isn't good advice. You might have given up working on improving yourself, but that doesn't mean others should.
Any relationship, from start to finish, requires continuously working on yourself, on both sides. Every person in every relationship has things they do that annoy the out of the other person.
The trick is finding that person who can tolerate your annoying habits.
For instance, I have a nervous tic/deviated septum that causes me to sniff hard fairly frequently (my brain doesn't like the lack of airflow on one side), and my wife has never once uttered a word about it in the 7 years we've been together.
If it was just annoying habits I’d agree. But deep down I’m a bitter, unhappy person. I’m not willing to sacrifice for other people anymore and along with that I realized I’m not cut out for caring about other people. I struggle with the concept of love beyond what would be considered reasonable in a relationship. There are parts of me broken beyond repair, and I can fix all the other things, but those 1-2 things are completely incompatible with being in a healthy relationship. It’s unfair to the other party to expect them to put up with my problems.
I’m not saying everyone should take this approach, I’m just sharing what has worked for me. I’m probably a little too aware of my own shortcomings, but I’d rather be like this than trying to conform to what people consider normal.
That's exactly how it [EDIT: my situation] seems to me.
See, that's where you're wrong. Being an unhappy and bitter person doesn't mean you're destined to be alone forever. It just means that you have to work on improving yourself.
Giving up is certainly an option, but it shouldn't be anywhere near the top of the list of options, and shouldn't be something you suggest to strangers with pretty much no information about them.
Very few things are actually broken beyond repair.
OP here. It’s not my disposition that is causing this, it’s the multiplicity of different attempts and approaches that have not resulted in a positive outcome.
That’s part of the problem. I am autistic, first off, so I absolutely do not understand social paradigms, and even excepting that I am very much not a normal person when it comes to interests/hobbies.
My wife is autistic. That's not a great excuse. I'd recommend looking into ABA therapy or similar specific for autism treatment.