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this post was submitted on 18 Sep 2023
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Ask Lemmy
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I guess it depends on what someone means by "reading the room". I've been given the impression people expect the room to read the same universally, as if there was anything inherently perceivable about the situation. It's not for a lack of trying, but I'm always graded low on that skill, often by the same people who think I phrase something as being hostile just because of my wording when I never imply that. If I feel a certain way, I say so, and I don't dishonor people because they're not in the mood to feel the mood I feel.
That said, me walking around a flock of five dozen geese at a park and getting attacked by all of them because I didn't understand they hated my presence takes the cake.
I get what you're saying here. I've been told in the past that I'm always angry and I know I sometimes speak with a condescending tone when I don't mean to. I get frustrated with people not taking a second to think about what they say a lot. Especially when they ask questions, a lot of times if they think for a second they should be able to reason the answer themselves. But I know I have a problem with tone and communication and it's something I've been working on myself for years through therapy and conditioning and I've gotten a lot better.
Well there's your problem right there
How is that a bad thing? I thought clear communication was good.
Not always. In fact, I'd go so far as to say not even most of the time.
If someone NEEDS to hear something, clear communication is good (ie, "what you said felt very hurtful to me"). But if saying exactly how you feel couldn't bring about any benefit to the situation, it's usually best to keep your mouth shut (ie, "I think those sandwiches you love are disgusting"). You need to consider how other people will react to what you say before you say it.
There are also many cases where someone needs to hear something, but it may still make them feel bad. In that case you need to be cautious about how you phrase it. (ie, instead of saying "Your boyfriend is a piece of shit", you wait for an appropriate time and then say "sometimes it concerns me when I hear about how he treats you.")
I was thinking the same same thing about that guys comment. Reminds me of that one saying that goes something like 'if your day is full of assholes then it's probably you whose the asshole'.
I mean... you know that your tone implies your feelings, right?
Kind of. I know it does to other people, but I don't always feel or see the tone change they say they see. There are times there aren't even changes and people still say they perceive something. I wonder if it's a cultural thing, even if only partially, as I am not the same culturally as most others I see.
Probably just means you're on the spectrum. Most people intuitively understand tonality.
I'm not the other user, but I can firmly say mine doesn't. People sometimes think I'm arguing with them when I'm actually agreeing with them because I speak with a bit of a monotone. It takes constant conscious effort not to do and makes me feel burned out and dishonest when I try. Apparently it's an autistic trait and is far from the only reason I suspect I'm autistic.