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this post was submitted on 15 Jul 2023
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Charity should be freely given. If you don't want to, then don't. You are not obligated to take care of people you are only tangentially related to.
My mum get angry with me and my dad because we refuse to chip in.
Her idea is, ... something about tie by blood ... sorry bad English, dunno how to describe.
Something that meaning you are relative, then you have to sacrifice ourself for another.
From her perspective, we are just selfish.
But why, i need my saving for my own future, marry, have some kid, loss job, another covid ...
From a "ties of blood" perspective, to give a perspective your mom might understand:
He might be tied by blood, but he is bringing dishonor and being a burden upon the entire family and lineage. He disgracea the rest of the family and all his elders and ancestors with his failure and irresponsible spending. He should be forced to work and spend less, helped by his elders, and shamed if he refuses to do so.
Note: this isn't something I'd recommend to anyone else, but if it helps.
Then your mother should get a job and pay for him, if it is so important to her.
That difference in ideology make family relationship go bad.
Why is he not financially stable?
Does he not have a job? Is he blowing his paycheck on gambling? Hookers? Drugs? (Etc?).
Would throwing cash at him even help?
Because his family is actively working to enshroud him in a false reality where not earning enough results in financial stability.
He has never had the emotional retraining necessary to connect his plans with the dopamine to fulfill them.
Unfortunately for people ruled by their swollen empathy, that emotional training is painful to undergo.
Basically he hasn’t been allowed to experience failure, so his brain hasn’t fully developed.
This happened to me earlier in my life. Then the person enabling me died, and within six months I was homeless, but within six months after that I was transformed and financially functional and have been ever since. No experience other than the natural consequences could have taught me, and there was someone actively preventing me from feeling them.
You and your father should be angry with her, because she is continually poisoning your uncle’s character.
She’s like someone providing a shot of heroin “because they care”.
Trust your gut. If it makes you feel stronger to think of giving him money go for it. If it makes you feel weaker, don’t do it.
Trust your feelings. The mental justifications are secondary. You’re young so your feelings aren’t developed by experience very much, but you’ve been in the world long enough to have all the information you need to know whether it’s the right move.
And that will be reflected in a feeling, in your body, that indicates to you whether it’s the right move or not.
It’s really important to learn how to make decisions based on this kind of thing. If you aren’t aware of your feelings they’ll still be there, subconsciously, un-felt but exerting force on your thoughts, and your mind will invisibly adjust the weights in your reasoning to match whatever the knot of unconscious feelings is driving you toward.
Unfold the knot by learning to identify and merely experience your feelings without mental verbalizing. Many decisions can be made through the processing of this vector field of feelings.
And being cut off from that can lead you to some really bad decisions. If you don’t know how to read your gut, practice by spending a minute or two here and there just doing nothing but sitting there still and scanning your body to note how it feels.
Yes I did chip in few time before. When I do, I feel like I am obligated to do so. I am submissive. They are god asking for sacrifice.
Then they ask more.
I refuse, my dad already told me to not chip in long ago. But when I actually stop, I feel I had broken the chain that bind me. It like, something you have to do but you don't want to. A binding, cause by ... culture propaganda (?!).
I am drifting from collectivism to individualism.
Now I feel my mom is a victim. She is being leeching sooo long, and still willing to be leeching.
Each person is a mandala, with living information patterned in the sphere of karma around them.
When you encounter another person, your mandala touches theirs and the patterns intermingle. They connect and form meta patterns, and these seep from the edge inward, reconfiguring the deeper layers from the outside in.
When you clarify your karma, and define your boundaries, it will help your mother, and everyone else around you, in ways that you do not need to manage actively. Focus on your own job. Do correct things and it will expand beyond your attention. But to create better patterns you must focus on the moment and treat each little detail as important. The big picture will follow naturally from the details.
Just each moment, hold a clean boundary.
Her situation will absorb, adapt to, and internalize the patterns you establish for yourself.
As a game, good boundaries are complementary. They interface best with, and incentivize the creation of, good boundaries in other people. When the boundaries are clean, relationships are easier and there is more time and energy available for producing goodness together.
The rearrangement of a mandala looks like chaos, and there will most likely be pain and shouting. The firmer you are, the less of the drama there will be in the long run.